My Week In Louisiana

Every third week of June, I attend a conference in Louisiana. I have gone for 13 years now, which is more than half of my life, and don't plan on stopping. Once I entered college, I became a workshop presenter/judge/chaperone. Since I graduated college, I have watched one parish in particular due to my friendship with the agent of that parish (we grew up in the system together). Although every year has its hilarious antics, I will only recant this year's events because it ended two days ago and its still fresh in my mind.

Being 600+ miles from Louisiana doesn't make it easy, but this year it was a tad bit more difficult. In the past I would drive home for 10 hours, switch cars with my mother, drive to the office an hour away, pack kids into my mom's car, let them teach me things on the 4 hour drive down to Baton Rouge, then go work at the conference and occasionally drive the kids around, then reverse the process at the end of the week. Not a big deal. They pay me for my gas and troubles, and I'm happy and feel accomplished. What makes this easy is the fact that I do not have to worry about anything because the agents are there and they just tell me what to do and I watch the boys at night. But this year they couldn't go...(Seriously, who gets pregnant? Don't we have an app for that?)

To start the trip, I make it home. Almost great except I was pretty sick and out of it on the drive home. It happens. Get home Sunday night, and I deliberately park further down the drive way so that when Annette pulls out in the morning, she can do a K-turn out of the driveway as she usually does. Great, awesome, I'm being a good guest. The next morning, she's running late (for reasons I forget) and goes out the house. I'm in the den getting ready to play the piano when I hear noise outside the front door. I open the front door to see my mother nonchalantly walking back into the house. She plainly states "I just hit your car" I laugh cause its funny. She states that I incurred no damage (like it would matter anyway), but that her bumper was fugged. She would be correct. We get a police report done and she goes to work.

I try all that day to work on my thesis, I got some progress done on it, but could've done better. I ended up sleeping the rest of the day because I was still feeling ill, but still made time to cook some pasta (lets be real, I'm a fat kid forever).

The next morning, I leave super early to go pick up the kids for the ride down. Get there, I recognize about half of the kids, which is good, introduce myself to the other half, get the game plan for getting them all down (there were more kids than seats allotted), and we head down south. The only rule I got was to "not get a ticket". Sure; no promises though.

We start our drive, and the kids in my car want to stop to eat breakfast. So we stop in Natchitoches (for you non-Louisiana readers, that's pronounced Nack-ih-tish /endlesson) and go to the McDonald's right off the exit. There, I see another parish agent and kids; the agent who was supposed to help watch our kids due to our situation. She looks frazzled, and I try not to bother her. While the kids were eating, the chaperones from the other parish fill me in on their situation; a kid somehow stowed away onto the bus. That. Is. Dedication. It was an honest mistake, but this kid needed to go back home. I help figure out a solution that helped everyone involved, and we initiate the plan and go on our way.

We finally make it down to Baton Rouge (I got there first, I win), checked in, and everything is great. I see two of my friends and find out that they too are staying in the same dorm, which makes things so much better. So I thought. Although it rained the entire time there, it didn't deter the kids from having a good time. The first day went by smoothly, and now its time to go to bed. Well when you have a group of boys ages 13 - 18, you can assure that they will not go to bed even though they have to be up at 6 in the morning. The bad thing about this dorm is that the doors slammed; and it was loud. They were relatively quiet, but going in and out of the doors was torture and I believe I was seconds away from a murder case.

After getting little sleep that night, we start the next day. After getting all the kids to their classes and contests, I took a nap. Woke up, saw some friends randomly, ate lunch with some of the girls, and ran some errands in Baton Rouge. On the second day, the parish likes to take the kids to the mall. I knew this, and was fully prepared. Of course it was raining this day. After all the boys were done with their contests, they decided they wanted to stay at the union until it was time to go to the mall. GREAT! I know where ALL of you are and its on the way out (sorta). It was 2pm. 4:30pm rolls around, I tell them I'm coming to get them and be ready. I get there, and they find where I am, and they have two of the girls with them. GET IN THIS CAR LETS GO!!! Well for some reason, the girls has called the female chaperone to come get them instead. Wait, what?! No sense was to be made of this. I inform them to get in this car and lets go, and they WALK BACK INTO THE UNION. Pizissed.

Now lets think about this for a moment. They were with the boys who have known for 2 and a half hours, that I was coming to get them from the Union. I told them 20 minutes before I came to get them that I was coming to get them. You were with them, what possessed you to call the female chaperone to come get you?

Okay whatever, so I try calling the female chaperone to not come. She doesn't answer. By this point, I'm over it as I usually am, and decide to go back to the girl's dorm (which has a piano) to wait for them to return. With the rain and the traffic, it took them WAY too long to return, which limited their time at the mall. Whatevs, long hair don't care.

We get to the mall, tell them what time they should meet back up and they should eat before that time. Great. I send them a text to say "Meet at the tables beside the escalator exit. I'm sleeping on a couch, 10 points to whomever finds me first". Ladies and gentlemen, that is what we call 'incentives'. So all but two of the kids show up to look at me sleeping, which was great because they were almost all there. One of the girls states "****** and ****** are getting a pizza". Hmmmm, they should've eaten already, but whatever they can eat in the car I guess. We all get in the car and we wait for the two girls to get their pizza. We needed to leave to be at the assembly for the night, so instead of everyone waiting, I let the female chaperone take half of the kids to the assembly on campus while I waited on the two girls. 20 minutes and an attitude adjustment later, the girls come out. WITHOUT PIZZA! Pizissed. I go off: "Where is the pizza?" "Why don't I have your number in my phone?". They shrugged their shoulders. WTF you mean you don't know?!?! You know something! I WANT AN ANSWER, DO YOU THINK BEFORE YOU ACT? Clearly, this is what a parent feels like and you'd think I'd be a better kid at this point. Immaturity as an art form

We get to the assembly just in time. I sit with the organization I was a part of while I was there and catch up and talk about the changes that were made. I take one of the members with me to see my little brother/friend Kelvin, which turned out to be a great idea. We return, I pick up my kids, and its time for sleep. I hang out with my friends and play guitar and listen to music with them, and return back to my floor just before midnight. Everything is quiet, so I'm home free. Except I'm starving. So I get dressed and prep myself for some Taco Bell. I walk out the door to see one of my kids going into his room. At first I didn't think twice about it, then I decided to go into the room just to make sure. I enter the room, and the kid has a slightly swollen eye with a cut underneath. Pizissed. So I ask how he get the cut, and he responds with by "falling down the stairs." SERIOUSLY!!??!!? He exclaims that he is fine and that nothing needed to be done. Clearly, you don't know Annette, and she'd be the first to say that this was a case waiting to happen.

I go downstairs to get a dorm dad (hahaha) but they're all sleeping at this point (there were none on my floor). I see the RA and tell him what happened, and he states that he too needs to fill out an accident report. Awesome. We go upstairs to the room, and my kid has ice on his eye courtesy of his roommate. The RA asks which stairwell the kid fell down in, which he responds with: "I didn't want to get anyone in trouble, but I get hit in the face with a shoe." SERIOUSLY?!?!!?!? Pizissed but laughing my butt off. After we all laugh, we get a dorm dad, clean up his eye area and bandage it and send them to bed. By this point, Taco Bell was a distant memory and sleep was the clear choice to be made.

The next day was a breeze. Everyone got up, went to their contests and classes, they all ended early, they took care of themselves, and I got to catch up with a myriad of friends. It was perfect. Even got to see my cousin's "Stupid Big" house and all of its amenities. Aside from a text argument that ruined my mood, the night was highly successful. That night, the kids promised to be quiet because they knew I had to drive in the morning. So considerate. They lied. After I looked for the stolen trash can (which reappeared that morning so no harm no foul), I decided to just go to bed. They were loud, but I tried to ignore it. Eventually, I gave up, and went out the door. I knock on the door of the room next to mine, and told them they were too loud and I was trying to sleep. One of the little lying beasts had the nerve to tell me that they weren't making any noise. Oh really? So that's some other random kid talking about ***** High School coming straight through the wall to my ear?

I left and tried again. I gave them about 3 minutes, and decided to clean house. I go out the door to see them all in the hall. I yell "Go to YOUR room. Not A room, but YOUR room". As soon as I say that, I see a kid down the hall who's arms are covered in shaving cream. Wait, what? The dorm dad had apprehended him and told him to go back to his floor and that he was in trouble. Consequently, the kids I made leave my kids' room were also from shaving cream kid's parish, and he was quick to rat them out: "THAT KID IS FROM ****** TOO!" Dorm dad clearly didn't care about that other kid because the one he was holding was covered in shaving cream.

I plopped a chair out in the hall way and made sure any other kids I saw went into their rooms and stayed there. Even though this hindered my length of sleep, I was pleased with the outcome.

The next morning, the kids woke up on time, packed and ready to go. I was still dog tired, but had to do my job. I went to my kids' rooms to check for cleanliness. All them hoes dirty. I couldn't even fathom trying to get them back upstairs, so I just picked up everything and threw it away. Long hair don't care. Go down to the car, loaded up luggage, to realize that two of the girls were not there. SAME TWO GIRLS WHO WERE LATE FROM THE MALL. Pizissed. I'm ready to go.

We wait for them, I serenade a few agents with my crisp guitar playing and smooth vocal styling until it was time to go. We finally get out, and we go to Pancakes' International House. After we're done eating, we start the 4 hour trek back home. Me in my sleep deprived state, somehow get a speeding ticket. Told you, I don't make promises The cop was so short and to the point, that I didn't get to try and talk my way out of it. I was still trying to wake up, so whatever; need to pay that one soon.

I make record time back, and say my goodbyes to the kids. I call up some friends and get a sno-cone, switch cars with Annette, go help Geoff and his old roommate move out of storage, was involved in an awkward moment that seemed to last forever (Geoff knows), and I finally make it back home. I wake up the next day pretty late in the day, have a late lunch with a friend and we talk and catch up for a while. I then go to Sonic and sit with Chublet and talk with him. I go see my nephew, sister-in-law, and oldest brother, then I get on the road to Georgia. I leave at night since my A/C doesn't work, and wanted to drive when it was cool out.

I stop at the gas station up the street from my parents house for fruity sodas and chips, when this older, visibly drunk, lady comes up to my car. This seems oddly familiar... "Excuse me big boy, can I possibly get a ride to my girlfriend's house? She lives right by Burger King". This is probably a bad idea... I tell her yes, but that I needed to go into the store first. I go in and buy chips and some Peach Crush, but then in her drunken state she asks if she can have some Funyons. Somehow, I was thinking no, but said okay? Because she gets the Funyons and cigarettes, and I pay for them. Whatevs, I can be nice every so often I guess. We get in the car, and I start my drive to Burger King.

Lady: I sure do appreciate this ride big boy. But I need to go make some coins real quick, turn at the corner
Me: I'm sorry? I thought you needed to go to Burger King
Lady: I can't go to my girl's house until I make these coins first. Just turn here at the corner. Passes the street NO!! YOU MISSED IT!!! PLEASE LET ME GO MAKE THESE COINS!!
Me: I don't know where you wanted me to turn, I really need to start driving, I don't have time to take you somewhere else.

At this point I'm thinking that I can just drop her off wherever she was trying to go, and just leave her there with no regrets. She was angrily eating the Funyons in my car and it was just getting awkward. I don't live here, I don't know her.

Me: Fine. Where do I need to go?
Lady: Okay, turn around. Turn at the corner. Okay turn here. Okay pull over right here
Me:There's nothing here, are you sure you want to get out here?
Lady: Starts to rub my shoulder. I'm fine with right here big boy, I'm about to make these coins.
Me: OOOHHHHH NOOoooooo. I'm taking you to your friend's house.
Hooker: NOO!!! WHY WON'T YOU LET ME MAKE THESE COINS! I JUST WANT 25 or 30 DOLLARS!! I CAN'T GO TO MY FRIEND'S HOUSE WITHOUT THESE COINS! I NEED IT SO I CAN GET ME SOME CREDENTIALS
Me: No thanks. I'm taking you to your friends house; she'll understand.
Hooker: FINE! IF YOU NOT GONNA LET ME MAKE THESE COINS THEN YOU CAN JUST TAKE ME BACK TO THE STATION THEN! I WAS GOING TO GIVE YOU THE BEST BLOWJOB OF YOUR LIFE!
Me: That's okay, I don't like blow jobs.
Hooker: HELL THAT'S OKAY I WAS GONNA F*** YOU IN THE PROCESS! I'M CLEAN! Let me have 5 dollars so I can get me some credentials.
Me: Ma'am, I don't have any cash, plus I already bought you Funyons and cigarettes.
Hooker: NO BUT I NEED 5 DOLLARS! I GOTTA BUY ME SOME CIGARS, AND CIGARETTES, AND SOME MORE CHIPS! JUST GIVE ME 5 DOLLARS BIG BOY!
Me: I don't have 5 dollars, I'm sorry.

She gets out of my car, and I can't help but wonder why she got so angry and how that is good for her line of work. I sure belligerence isn't a good characteristic to have to get "coins".

In shock of my ability to pick up hookers, I go to Chublet's job and tell him what had just happened, and make my way to Georgia. It took longer than usual probably due to my lack of sleep that week, some unforeseen illness, or some type of skin-to-skin contact rupee the hooker gave me. Needless to say, I took many a nap, and got there 15 hours later.

Barberitos gave me some nasty nachos and I'm kind of still angry about it. ~!Antoine!~