My senior year of undergrad, Bradley, Allen, and I decided that gifts and birthday posters were probably a good idea for our 22nd birthdays. It wasn't actually planned that way, but we kinda just did it, as friends would do for one another. Bradley's birthday was first, so we got him gift cards to chillis, and cards, and made him this poster:
Just in case you can't tell, that is a mirror shot. We took the poster and made it a mirror image so when Bradley would shut the door to his bathroom and look in the mirror, he would see it. Allen and I spent about an hour doing it, and the tips of the P's are penises (hahahahahahaha we're clever).
My birthday is four short days after Bradley's, and Bradley and Allen decide to get me gifts and a poster as well. Except my gifts and poster weren't as conventional as Bradley's:
This is the picture on Facebook. The caption reads "In our well-planned effort to avoid public indecency charges, we brought Toine out to the car to give him his sign. And he loved it (I hope)." - Allen J. Bagents.
Lets just go ahead and list the items I received on this faithful night:
- A book titled: A hypochondriac's guide to medicine
- A car hang tag called "I'm not gay, I just really like rainbows"
- A penis pokey book (a book with a hole in the middle. Use your imagination)
- Book: 101 Ways to flip the bird
- Book: Whats your Poo telling you?
- A Grow your own boyfriend doll
- Poster: Shaped like a four-leaf clover for 4-H, and written on one side "I hope you have a great birthday filled with paplo" and on the other side were about...30 different penises printed and cut out from a printer and glued onto the card.
I think it is important to note that "paplo" stands for "Penis and Penis like objects". It is a phrase coined....who knows how because lets be honest, half the time I say things I'm making it up right then. This term in particular was funny and was worth citing in the form of a birthday card. Needless to say that this was the best bag of birthday gifts I had ever received in my entire life. It was placed in a sparkly purple bag and I kept all of them in there for safe keeping.
Well later that year, we all graduated and went our separate ways. I ended up in Shreveport, Bradley went to Georgia (where I currently am now) and Allen ended up in Washington D.C. Of course my birthday bag went with me, and I placed it in the safe keeping of my parents house.
If you recall from the last two stories, I took some time away from my family and stayed with Britni for about 3 months. The one thing I should have probably tried to do was take my birthday bag along with me. That clearly didn't happen. When I finally returned home (after being sent to jail), I realized that my birthday bag was MISSING. Yes, it was gone. Now you can only imagine what went through my head, but the one coherent and logical thought that traversed my brain was "Don't ask NOBODY". I could only imagine how that conversation would go, and I did NOT want to be in the face of the people who would possibly know where it would be: Annette and Maurice. I hardly tell them anything about my life, no need to open up a can of homosexual-esque worms. I instantly pretended as if the bag never existed and went about my life. I shot Bradley and Allen a text to update them on the situation.
I went on with my life, making hilarious comments about the disappearance of the bag with Allen and Bradley, swearing never to ask about it, and continued to be successful in not having it been brought up by the parental units. Right before I made my move to Georgia, I was able to locate all of my gifts except the most important one...the poster. I instantly thought that Annette threw it away. So naturally, I poured one out for it. Thug Life.
A about a year and a half went by, and all was good until December 27th, 2010. The world lost one of the most amazing human beings it had the pleasure of having. It wasn't the easiest moment of my life, and it took a lot to deal with it when it first happened. I was willing to do anything to make it easier; the idea that he was in a better place and was no longer in pain didn't quite cut it. It was time for me to face one of my fears. At this point, I figured that nothing would be worse than this. So on December 29th, 2010, I made that faithful connection to the one and only Annette:
Me: (text)So I have an important question ask and I just need you to brace yourself for the contents aka not be in public
Mom: K
Me: Remember that time I left home and didn't come back until 2 months later, well I came back to a cleaned room (of course) and a certain "birthday bag" was missing. So..I was wondering what you did with it, because I'm sure you were shocked when you saw the contents, but Bradley and Allen gave me those things and that's why I kept them
(phone call)Mom: Okay so what are you saying?
Me: Do you know what bag I'm talking about? Did you throw it away?
Mom: I don't just throw away things, if its yall's then I just put it up. But I know what you're talking about, why is this indicative of something?
Me: (starts giggling) What do you mean?
Mom: It was very vulgar, and I started to wonder things. You know you can talk to me right? If you had something to tell me would you tell me?
Me: (giggling harder) Yeah I know I can talk to you, and probably not. So...you think the card and stuff are still there?
Mom: I mean do I need to ask you a to the point question to get an answer? Are you involved?
Me: (almost incomprehensible) With 4-H, yeah.
Mom: No, are you involved in a same sex relationship?
Me: (laughter) Nope
Mom: Okay if I remember to, I'll check tonight
Me: Don't worry I'll remind you.
I posted the exact conversation on his wall. Though I was satisfied with the outcome of the situation, I wished that he was around to give a good reaction. However, I felt this was a proper way to begin the celebration of his life. My intention was to find the poster, and give it back to him. It has yet to be found, but Annette will mention it every now and again. Though she didn't find the poster that night, she did find the penis pokey book, which caused quite a hilarious commotion on her end.
Dear Allen, thanks for all the great times. ~!Antoine!~
In the interest of full disclosure (and citing credit where credit is due) - Lexi and Stuart provided a few of your gift items, namely the boyfriend, the medicine book, and the poo book (though it could have been the flip the bird book...I forget which ones Allen and I bought).
ReplyDeleteAnd I probably laughed way too hard on December 29th. It was great, despite everything else going on. Pretty sure Allen was laughing his ass off, too. Especially since I think he knows where your poster went.
I also felt like I should mention that Allen and I argued for approximately one hour as to whose computer would be used to find the pictures for the poster. I think we ended up both searching. Luckily, neither computer died, nor did LSU track us down for inappropriate usage of the internet in our campus apartment. You're welcome.
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