The Birthday Poster

I decided that maybe I should steer away from my cop stories so you don't think that my life is a series of belligerent police mishaps.

My senior year of undergrad, Bradley, Allen, and I decided that gifts and birthday posters were probably a good idea for our 22nd birthdays. It wasn't actually planned that way, but we kinda just did it, as friends would do for one another. Bradley's birthday was first, so we got him gift cards to chillis, and cards, and made him this poster:

Just in case you can't tell, that is a mirror shot. We took the poster and made it a mirror image so when Bradley would shut the door to his bathroom and look in the mirror, he would see it. Allen and I spent about an hour doing it, and the tips of the P's are penises (hahahahahahaha we're clever).

My birthday is four short days after Bradley's, and Bradley and Allen decide to get me gifts and a poster as well. Except my gifts and poster weren't as conventional as Bradley's:

This is the picture on Facebook. The caption reads "In our well-planned effort to avoid public indecency charges, we brought Toine out to the car to give him his sign. And he loved it (I hope)." - Allen J. Bagents.

Lets just go ahead and list the items I received on this faithful night:

• A book titled: A hypochondriac's guide to medicine


• A car hang tag called "I'm not gay, I just really like rainbows"


• A penis pokey book (a book with a hole in the middle. Use your imagination)


• Book: 101 Ways to flip the bird


• Book: Whats your Poo telling you?


• A Grow your own boyfriend doll


• Poster: Shaped like a four-leaf clover for 4-H, and written on one side "I hope you have a great birthday filled with paplo" and on the other side were about...30 different penises printed and cut out from a printer and glued onto the card.

I think it is important to note that "paplo" stands for "Penis and Penis like objects". It is a phrase coined....who knows how because lets be honest, half the time I say things I'm making it up right then. This term in particular was funny and was worth citing in the form of a birthday card. Needless to say that this was the best bag of birthday gifts I had ever received in my entire life. It was placed in a sparkly purple bag and I kept all of them in there for safe keeping.

Well later that year, we all graduated and went our separate ways. I ended up in Shreveport, Bradley went to Georgia (where I currently am now) and Allen ended up in Washington D.C. Of course my birthday bag went with me, and I placed it in the safe keeping of my parents house.

If you recall from the last two stories, I took some time away from my family and stayed with Britni for about 3 months. The one thing I should have probably tried to do was take my birthday bag along with me. That clearly didn't happen. When I finally returned home (after being sent to jail), I realized that my birthday bag was MISSING. Yes, it was gone. Now you can only imagine what went through my head, but the one coherent and logical thought that traversed my brain was "Don't ask NOBODY". I could only imagine how that conversation would go, and I did NOT want to be in the face of the people who would possibly know where it would be: Annette and Maurice. I hardly tell them anything about my life, no need to open up a can of homosexual-esque worms. I instantly pretended as if the bag never existed and went about my life. I shot Bradley and Allen a text to update them on the situation.

I went on with my life, making hilarious comments about the disappearance of the bag with Allen and Bradley, swearing never to ask about it, and continued to be successful in not having it been brought up by the parental units. Right before I made my move to Georgia, I was able to locate all of my gifts except the most important one...the poster. I instantly thought that Annette threw it away. So naturally, I poured one out for it. Thug Life.

A about a year and a half went by, and all was good until December 27th, 2010. The world lost one of the most amazing human beings it had the pleasure of having. It wasn't the easiest moment of my life, and it took a lot to deal with it when it first happened. I was willing to do anything to make it easier; the idea that he was in a better place and was no longer in pain didn't quite cut it. It was time for me to face one of my fears. At this point, I figured that nothing would be worse than this. So on December 29th, 2010, I made that faithful connection to the one and only Annette:

Me: (text)So I have an important question ask and I just need you to brace yourself for the contents aka not be in public
Mom: K
Me: Remember that time I left home and didn't come back until 2 months later, well I came back to a cleaned room (of course) and a certain "birthday bag" was missing. So..I was wondering what you did with it, because I'm sure you were shocked when you saw the contents, but Bradley and Allen gave me those things and that's why I kept them
(phone call)Mom: Okay so what are you saying?
Me: Do you know what bag I'm talking about? Did you throw it away?
Mom: I don't just throw away things, if its yall's then I just put it up. But I know what you're talking about, why is this indicative of something?
Me: (starts giggling) What do you mean?
Mom: It was very vulgar, and I started to wonder things. You know you can talk to me right? If you had something to tell me would you tell me?
Me: (giggling harder) Yeah I know I can talk to you, and probably not. So...you think the card and stuff are still there?
Mom: I mean do I need to ask you a to the point question to get an answer? Are you involved?
Me: (almost incomprehensible) With 4-H, yeah.
Mom: No, are you involved in a same sex relationship?
Me: (laughter) Nope
Mom: Okay if I remember to, I'll check tonight
Me: Don't worry I'll remind you.

I posted the exact conversation on his wall. Though I was satisfied with the outcome of the situation, I wished that he was around to give a good reaction. However, I felt this was a proper way to begin the celebration of his life. My intention was to find the poster, and give it back to him. It has yet to be found, but Annette will mention it every now and again. Though she didn't find the poster that night, she did find the penis pokey book, which caused quite a hilarious commotion on her end.

Dear Allen, thanks for all the great times. ~!Antoine!~

Unfortunate Police Run-Ins: Two Mini Stories

I figured that this picture would properly express the nature of these two mini stories. They involve the two run-ins that happened before and after Unfortunate Police Run-Ins: Forever LSU. They were short, and involved the police doing their job.

Diary of a Scared Black Woman

It was a Sunday in May of 09, and I was preparing myself for a 600 mile drive to Georgia. It would be my second time to go, but this time I would be accepting my current job and school position. As with ever other story I've told, my phone was not working (bill needed to be paid), so I was only able to receive phone calls. About the 6 hour mark of my 10-ish hour drive, I receive a phone call from the lovely and amazing Sabina. But some how, I missed the call. I couldn't call her back, nor could I check the voicemail. In my logical goodness, I could only think that she was calling to see what time I would arrive to her domicile. So at hour 9, when I reached her city, I decided to go straight to her house.

At this time, she lived in a complex and lived in the very back of it. I hated going over all of those speed bumps, but a small price to pay to see one of my best friends. I finally make it, and do not see her car. I don't much of it because the complex is big and it could be anywhere. I go to her door, and I knock. No answer. So I use the little door knocker and try again. Still nothing. I was thinking that either two things needed to happen. 1)Knock harder because she is in the back and can't hear the knocking or 2)jiggle the handle to see if the door is unlock, and if it is, call out to my dear friend. I go for both options. The louder knocking yielded no results, and the door was locked. At that point, I just assume she is not there. (Note: this whole ordeal takes about 90 seconds, which was 30 seconds too long)

I go to my car and find a napkin and a pen, and write Sabina a note. I tell her that I came by, and that my phone was off and that she should call Bradley because I was going to his house, and anything else random I would put in a note. After I am done, I go back to her door, and place the note on her door knocker. I get back in my car, and I leave. I notice that when I finally reach the front of the complex and was exiting out of the gate, a cop car was entering. I remember this because I like to take notice of cop car paint styles in different cities, and because I had to frantically place my seat belt on (I promise I wear it, just after I'm moving so I feel safe. If I put it on before I drive, I feel trapped and suffocated).

I drive my last hour to my destination. When I reach Bradley's place, he greets me at the door. The first thing he says to me? "Sabina called the cops on you." WAIT WHAT!?!?! Yes, my dear friend Sabina was in the apartment the entire time. Instead of going to the door and looking at the peep hole, or asking who the person at the door may be (like a normal person), she did the only logical thing one could do and call the police. Yes, the officer I saw on my way out was the officer "coming to get me". The officer also found the note on her door and asked her if she knew who I was based from it. Then he proceeded to laugh at her.

Thanks a lot Sabina, now I can't go out in Atlanta.

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For those of you who need to do things chronologically: Unfortunate Police Run-Ins: Forever LSU

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Hometown Glory

After the LSU graduation, I worked a few days at the Chili's in Ruston. At this point in my life, I was not in contact with my family due to some personal life BLCs (they did nothing wrong, they just stressed me out. We've all been there, right?) Because I wasn't officially at that store, I was not placed on the schedule. So I decided it was finally time to go home. I had been traveling all over the place and maybe it was time to stop in and state that I was okay, and that I would be living in Georgia for a minimum of 2 years. So I return home at night and greet my parents. They seemed to be excited to see me and had questions, but overall good return home.

The next morning, Annette got up and went to work, and my dad had the day off. I was lounging around in pajama shorts and LSU t-shirt, just trying to figure out what I could do for the summer. I was talking to my good friend Sam in Oklahoma as she was having me fill out paper work to work at a camp in Oklahoma that summer with her county. I definitely remember her asking me "You don't have a record do you? haha" when there was a knock at the door. I get up from the computer and answer to door, to see, you guessed it, the police.

Cop: Is Antoine Jefferson here?
Me: Yes sir, I am he.
Cop: Okay. You're under arrest for an unpaid ticket. We're going to let you go get dressed and then you come with us.
Me: Ummm....okay.

I didn't even fight it, I knew exactly what ticket they were talking about. I got the ticket on my way to Lauren's parents' house in February. My transmission was slipping, so any momentum I had I wanted to keep. I went down this hill in a neighborhood, and I got clocked going 34 in a 25. Also important to note that when I got stopped, my car overheated and broke: in front of the house.

I go to the back of the house to where my things are and put on pants. I go outside to the car, and they have to handcuff me. Of course I had to ask the obvious question: "Do you have to handcuff me? I'm not going anywhere, I'm pretty compliant." He stated that its procedure and he apologizes. Personally, I felt that he shouldn't have apologized and just had gone to get bigger hand cuffs because the ones he used were too small. He squeezes my wrists of awesomeness into the cuffs and shuts them. Then its time to go into the back seat of the car. I don't know if you have ever been in the back seat of a police vehicle, but its definitely not made for people of my gigantic stature. What do I do? Dive in head first of course. I lay across the back seat for the entire car ride there.

Once I get to the police station, the first person I see is one of my cousins. She's a police officer. Had no idea. She asks me why I'm here AND when I got back in town haha. She instantly calls my mother who is 30 miles away and can't do anything from there. My mother then calls her sister (my aunt) to come get me out of jail.

Meanwhile... another cousin who listens to police scanners hears my name over the scanner and calls my dad. My dad, by the way, was in the house the entire time, and had been sleeping in the main bedroom in the far back. So he gets up and he makes his trek to the police station (unbeknownst to me).

As I'm sitting in the cell, thinking about the fact that I didn't get a phone call, my aunt shows up with my ticket payment to get me out of jail. My cousin had told me my aunt was coming to get me, but I had no idea which aunt it was going to be. Any would have been fine, but it was the one aunt I didn't even think of that appeared. I hug her and tell her thank you. We chat for all of 30 seconds when my dad pulls up in my car. My dad says hey to my aunt and asks how much it was. I tell him, and he gives my aunt the money. She says goodbye, and my dad makes me drive home. Most amazing thing about that portion was not only was he not angry, he was laughing about it, which was the complete opposite response I expected.

I finally make it back to the computer to answer Sam's question: "Well, not anymore". ~!Antoine!~

Unfortunate Police Run-Ins: Forever LSU

I have placed myself in many situations where if I would have just...kept my cool, things would have turned out for the better. This particular event was epic to say the least, so hang on to your computer screens and try to follow.

It was mid-May of 2009. I had just gotten the go ahead from my current school that I was accepted and would be teaching in the Fall. I was ecstatic. I left Bradley on a Thursday afternoon to get back to Ruston, LA just in time to watch American Idol on the DVR with Britni. I had been camping out with Britni for a few months at this time and we had talked about going to the LSU graduation that was the next day. Her former roommate was graduating and she wanted to be there to support her (and attend the swank party she knew she would be throwing). She wanted me to drive because...well Britni does not enjoy driving (for lack of better words ;) ). She also needed to study for her finals that were coming up. I was very excited for the trip.

I don't exactly remember why, but we had to drive to Shreveport first to get something from her mom at the casino? I forget why we went, but something about it hit a nerve. It was nothing directed towards me, because I distinctly remember being more and more irritated over the dumbest things (things that didn't matter or had nothing to do with me): which become important soon. So we leave and I'm driving. First hour of the drive was fine, then Britni wanted to take a nap. I'm thinking "Okay she's studied for an hour, I think a nap will be fine". The only thing, however, is she ended up sleeping the rest of the way down (What can I say, I'm such a smooth driver). It didn't bother me that she slept (because I drive in silence), but that she didn't study anymore on the way down.

We make it to Baton Rouge and we go to the house of a friend to get ready for the graduation party, since the graduation was almost over with by the time we arrived. Once there, Britni and friend decided that they needed to buy a gift for the former roommate and also purchase cameras for the night. That was a good idea. However, I should have realized that they were girls and I lacked patience, so it took longer than expected, which added to my nerves. By the time we had gotten the gift and cameras, it was already past time for the party to start, so they decided that we should go eat. We go eat, and that goes fine. We finally make it to the party about 2 hours after, right when the happy hour ended. Not a big deal for me since I don't drink, but I guess I just wanted to be there when it started. Nerves.

The party went well, everyone had become fairly intoxicated, and it was now time to go out. Their destination of choice was a bar called Fred's. So Britni and 2 friends hop in the car I drove, and we all caravanned to the bar. Once we get there, one friend exclaims "I lost my phone!!!!". Britni was already in the bar and had disappeared in the sea of people, so we decided that we'd go without her. It took quite the while to find it, only to realize that another friend picked it up because their two phones looked identical (iPhone with a yellow case over it, when a little pendant hanging from it. The same pendant at that.).

After we finally get back to the bar, Britni is ready to leave. So instead of going in, we wait for her to come out. She gets in the car and states that she has to go to the bathroom. So we search for a bathroom and all is well. At this point, Britni decides that its time to go meet up with a guy friend of ours. He had invited us to a cookout, but Britni decided too late to go because we show up, and he's no longer there. I remember this random guy being outside and Britni asking the guy for our friend's number, because I didn't have it and her phone had died. The guy gives it to us (after his girlfriend yells at him on the phone for hearing girl voices, sorry my voice is so high pitched!), and I call him. He apologizes for leaving and says that we could try again tomorrow and that he was going to bed. I told him that it was fine and I hang up, but Britni wasn't going to accept that. She wanted to talk to him NOW!

Now I have never been drunk, so I could not comprehend what she could have done differently to get him to not go to bed. I wasn't sure she would be able to. With that mentality, I would not let her use my phone to call our friend. That fact has brought me to my last nerve. She kept hounding me for the phone so she could call, but I would tell her that he was sleeping, and she wasn't taking that excuse. Drunk Dedication. By the time we reached the next bar, I had enough. Britni kept asking for the phone, the other friends were stating that I should just let her use the phone to call him, I had been chauffeur all night to various people, and not seeing a single person I had wanted to see while down; all mixed to one super mega emotion. And that emotion was negative and destructive. "YOU WANT THE PHONE!?!?!? HERE!!!". Goodbye phone number 47. I then walked off.

I didn't necessarily feel like I accomplished anything by doing this, I was up the creek without a paddle actually. Whether or not I upset the girls was the least of my concerns, because I had no where to go. I was staying with Britni, but I had just walked off in a violent fit of rage. I remember walking to my friend Tommy's apartment because it was the closest one to the bar (I also went by his work place twice, and one of his co-workers was convinced that Tommy owed me money lol). Not there. I then remember going to the gas station across the street from Tiger Land to use the payphone. Didn't work. I was out of options, so I did the sensible thing and walked to campus.

It was very evident to me that by the time I made the 40 minute walk to campus, that I was unsure about my near future. I made it to Efferson hall, and promptly took a nap on the picnic table. I'm a very light sleeper, so everything woke me up, especially the cars going by. At one point, a police officer decides to pull up and ask me if everything was alright. I say yes, and he goes away. First time ever that it was that simple! After the police visit, I decide to walk some more. I knew no buildings would be open, but I needed to go somewhere else. My next destination becomes the clock tower that sits right outside of the parade grounds. There was a bench located under the shade of a canopy-esque oak tree that I decided to lay under. About an hour passes and I hear laughter. A group of kids started playing soccer on the parade grounds near the clock tower. By this point, I'm done trying and figured I could either go and make friends with this people, or watch them while I make a new plan. As I'm groggily watching the entertainment, two other cars pull up. I was thinking "man, how big is this game going to get?" 6 people get out of the car. I squint to try and make out faces...and its someone I know!

I was going to try and wave them down, but they were coming towards me instead. As soon as they got close enough, a reunion occurred and I ask what they were doing. The response? "We're about to climb the clock tower! Wanna come?" Hell, why not, I'm not doing anything else important. So we climb the clock tower from the inside due to having key access to it (don't know how or who, we just did okay!). We are led by a cell phone light through many portions (haha not my cellphone), and pictures are being taken for the duration of the trek upwards. The adventure didn't seem as if it would be fun, but it turned out to be much better than anyone could imagine. We finally reach the top, and it is decided that we want to wait on the inside until the bells ring. Well...seeing as it was 5 in the morning, it took a lot of convincing (and 25 minutes after 5am) that they weren't going to ring until 7am. With that, we decided to descend and end our great adventure (that I would suggest to any LSU student. It was the most amazing view of campus and the bridge).

On our descent, we somehow come to a room we had missed before. A storage room that had a plethora of old event materials: signs, t-shirts, programs, flyers, etc. There was one section in particular that was marked "Trash", so we decided to rummage through it. There were a lot of good things in the trash pile, so we take some of it (a few undersized t-shirts and a sign for me :) ) and head on out. The exit is secured and the group tells me that they are going to Louies as this was their last hurrah at LSU, because they had graduated. I decline the offer so I could continue my nap on the bench under the oak tree. They leave, I return to the bench with a new pillow and blanket, and try to go back to sleep. 15 minutes in, I realize that I am not going to sleep, so I decide to go to Louies that was a block away.

I begin my walk towards Louies, and when I make it to the first intersection, I am joined by a random gentleman who's journey took him down the same street that I happened to be walking down. The most natural and non-suspicious act that could happen. I give him the friendly southerner wave and we keep walking, not even really close to each other. We get halfway down the street, and (The moment you all have been waiting for...) we get pulled over by LSU police. This marks the second time I have been pulled over for walking; except this one was completely ridiculous. Why did we get pulled over you may ask? Because we converged onto the same street; and that looks suspicious. "Oh! My f***ing bad, I didn't know that we had to take alternate routes to a similar location. I must have missed that law."

I had no idea who this guy was, nor where he was going, but somehow my affinity for awesome situations has sucked him into one. The officer starts to question us as if we planned to converge onto the same street. He asked for our IDs then began to berate us with questions: "Why were you two walking together like that?" "Where are you going?" "You trying to say to me that you two have never met each other?! Then why would you walk to the same street that way?" That was an easy round of questions. He then proceeds to ask us if either of us had a record, because he was "about to check and if there was anything we wanted to confess to we had better do it now." The new guy states that he has been in trouble before, and I was just becoming more angry as I sat on the curb of a street. Then, here comes the interesting part:

Cop: What were you doing?
Me: Walking to Louies.
Cop: Where were you coming from?
Me: I was sleeping on a bench in front of the clock tower and got hungry.
Cop: Why were you sleeping on a bench?
Me: Because I got in a fight with my friend
Cop: Where did you get all that stuff in your hand?
Me: Oh I saw some friends and they had it in their car and they let me have it.
Cop: Where did they get it from?
Me: I don't know, I don't ask questions. They were graduating and were excited and I wanted it so they let me have it.
Cop:This looks like stuff that would come out of the clock tower.
Me: Okay.
Cop: So you're telling me if I were to go to the clock tower right now, none of that stuff would be missing?
Me: (nervous) No.
(Cop sends back up to check out the clock tower)
Cop: What were your friends names?
Me: gives first names of two people I knew
Cop: What are their last names?
Me: I don't know
Cop: Well then what is their phone number?
Me: I don't know that either. My phone is broken nor do I have it, and if I did have my phone I wouldn't have their phone number
Cop: So you're telling me you don't know their last names and you don't have their numbers? How are you friends with them and don't even know their last names or numbers? (Sir, there's this thing called Facebook...)Why are you lying to me, quit lying to me and this will be over.
Me: I'm not lying to you. I came down for graduation to see some of my class mates and friends graduate. (hand him my LSU ID) I was a student here, but I graduated last year. I got in a fight with my friend and broke my phone in the process, and I'm just trying to go to Louies.
Cop: Do you have that friend's number?(I nod) Call her then. (hands me a phone)
Me: Her phone is dead. And if it wasn't, she wouldn't answer. (Call Britni anyway). See, straight to voicemail.
(backup cop returns and states that the clock tower is secure)
Cop: Well you don't go to LSU anymore, so you don't need this ID.
(takes my LSU ID and gives me back my license)
Me: Excuse me but that ID is mine and I do want to keep it. I still have Tiger Cash on it.
Cop: No you're not getting this back. I suggest you go ahead to Louies now

The cop releases us after being held for about 45 minutes. It made no sense and I lost an ID card for no reason at all. I later learned that I was legally allowed to keep that ID card, but I just let it go.

I walk down to Louies to find the group still eating. I go to them and tell them the story of what just occurred. They laughed and made jokes and we ate eggs and grits, it was a good time. One of them allowed me to crash on their couch, which I was eternally grateful for. When I woke up, I left and was able to find Meg, and I was able to contact Britni and after some coercion on her part, we left Baton Rouge to return to Ruston, together. She studied on the way back up :). While I was away, she was also able to meet her future ex-boyfriend, so I can't help but call that a win? I mean they're not together now so I guess it wasn't all that great. Over it.

I had another police run-in 4 days before and after this. Read about them here. ~!Antoine!~

Unfortunate Police Run-Ins: The High School Party

When I was in high school, I started making a nice set of friendships; Courtney, Elaine, Britni, Nicole to name a few. I liked to think that in high school I was sorta popular, but I was still home every Friday and Saturday night.

When I was a Junior in high school, as I am leading freshman orientation, I meet a girl who would become my "Lil Sis": Lauren. Lauren was the daughter of two of the teachers at the high school, and she had just transferred over from the rival high school. I remember going to the teacher's classroom to say hey only to see this dark haired beauty sitting in the classroom. At that point, I never once thought that I would be going on crazy adventures with this young girl, all I knew at that point was that she was the teachers' daughter.

That year, I spent an extra amount of time with one of the teachers due to one of my duties as a Tech Team member for the school. So on top of getting close with this teacher and the school coach she was married to, I also got close to their daughter. She began to call me Bubba, and I would call her Lil Sis, and we would hang out while I did work for the teachers. That summer, we had the pleasure of going to a conference together in Central Louisiana (the first of many, but probably the most important one). There, we met for the first time one of my now best friends, Geoff. After the conference was over, we said our goodbyes to Geoff and went about our merry lives.

When school started back up for my senior year, Courtney and I traveled to the city to go to the mall. I can't quite remember why we went, but she was in charge and had driven. While leaving the mall, I run into Geoff. I was very excited to see him because from what I could remember of that conference, he was a pretty cool guy. I wave and go up to him and say hi. He says hi and asks whats up. Then Courtney yells for us to hurry and leave and that was the end of that conversation. I forget in which manner I contacted him since I didn't have a phone and Facebook had not yet existed (AIM hahaha, I still use it, jealous?), but it was established that I sucked for not staying to talk to him. Didn't matter that it wasn't my fault. Also, that was probably the first and only time in my life that I didn't stop and stay to talk to someone. So I decided that the next time I was in the city, I would dedicate my time to only him and whatever he wanted to do.

Also important to note that at this point, I started giving Lauren driving lessons. Maybe not something I should be broadcasting considering her colorful driving record and abilities, I still call it a win. Before she was able to drive on her own, I would take her driving in her parents' car (sorry Momma you had to find out this way, glad I'm 600+ miles away :) ). Since Lauren knew Geoff, I figured it'd be a good idea to take her to the city with me to go see him. Her parents thought it would be good for her to visit friends she met at the conference, so they agreed to let me take her AND the car. So off we went.

We get to the city, got to Geoff's place, met the parents, and went to a house party. The house party was comprised of students from the rival high school of Geoff's, Geoff, Lauren, and myself. I had no problems meeting people so I go off and make friends, Lauren goes off and bonds with some girls, and Geoff is off doing his thing. So clearly there was alcohol at this house party, and Geoff and other friends are double fisting Natty Lights while I'm playing bloody knuckles with some guy who has allowed himself to get plastered and keeping an eye out on Lauren. At some point, a guy has eyed her and sees that not only is she attractive, but void of an alcoholic beverage. I see her tell him that she doesn't want to drink....then tell him that it was because I was watching her. Spoiler Alert: So she slips away to have a beer with this guy and two other girls. All I could think at that point was "Her dad is going to shoot me in the face and hide my body".

So me being the overachieving intellectual afraid of doing anything "bad", I instantly begin to think of ways that I can mask the fact that she has drank this one beer and she was underage and with all these other underage persons who were also drinking. How did they even get the beer? There was a lot of it now that I think about it. The first thing I did was call her parents and tell them that we're going to be a bit later than I had originally intended, but that we were safe and having a good time. Her dad gave me the okay for the curfew extension. Good job Antoine. Well before I could come up with plan B, there was a rushed exclamation from one of the party goers: "RUN THE COPS ARE HERE!" ARE YOU SH*TTING ME?!? I was so angry and scared, I had not yet written my will because clearly Annette was about to kill me when she found out.

Moral dilemmas began to rise in my brain. I wanted to run. I think one of my ingrained reactions to police was to run and never look back (or is that gun shots? Synonymous). But I couldn't leave Lauren! I had no reason to run because I was the only person who had not been drinking, but Lauren had half of a beer (which she was still holding) and I couldn't just leave her there to catch the heat. I look over my shoulder to see Geoff hopping the fence to safety. Well played sir. Clearly I had to try. I grab Lauren's hand and tell her that we need to go, we'll deal with the rest later. My plan was to go out the back gate of the fence to the car that was right beside it. Geoff had ran, he didn't live too far from the house, he would be fine. We had about 30 miles to drive so we needed the car and nothing holding us back from it. Before I could even eye the gate of the fence, police came through it. They asked us all to go into the house. One girl responded with "I'm sorry officer, I need to find my shoe". Really? Your shoe? Priorities.

It was over. No one was spared from the clutches of the police. They had even found Geoff and gotten him back to the house (hahahahahhahahhahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha come on you know that's funny). Everyone was looking for the hostess, who had not been found quite yet. Then right at that moment she busts through the front door and yells "EVERYBODY THE COPS ARE HERE!" Hilarious. She joins the peanut gallery. I remember one girl, who was the furthest from sober, feel the need to make the situation better. She walks up to the hostess and says "J*****, this is the guyyyyyy.....this is....this is the cop" Yeah... One officer asks all of us "who's over 18?" So I raise my hand. I am the only joined by one other. I was free, I was of legal age to HAVE alcohol and I had not drank, I was free. I also had the key to the car. I had one of those...conscience/temptation angel/devil moments:

Clearly, by that point, I had yet to fully realize the potential of my evil aptitude. Not to mention that the police was blocking Lauren's car. Looks like I was stuck. The police then began to tell everyone that they needed to vacate the premises if they did not live there and if they heard anything else or were called again, they were gonna to ticket and arrest anyone they saw upon their return.

I was home free...except I was gonna be late with my extended curfew and Annette not only did not know where I was, but she had no way to reach me. I sped as fast as legally possible to the house as to make it as close to curfew as possible. I tried to sweet talk her dad, but he didn't care about anything but getting sleep at that point, so I was in the clear on the "return my daughter" portion of my night. I got home and entered the house; Annette wasn't on the couch? She chose the one day of the year to not sleep on the couch and sleep in her own bed. THANK YOU!!!! I get to my room, derobe, and climb into bed. I hear a noise by the door. The door cracks open and I hear "You're in trouble. Talk to you in the morning". Why I ever thought I'd pass by Annette's radar was beyond me, but I was glad to be there and not arrested.

In hindsight, that night was child's play. I also didn't seem to learn my lesson as that was my first time ever having a police run in. Geoff and I ended up being pretty good friends, as well as many of the people at that party. Lauren eventually got in trouble for that night a few years later...actually that may have been my fault.

7 years later and I would've still thrown them under the bus. ~!Antoine!~

Unfortunate Police Run-Ins: Illegal Walking

Growing up, I was always the good kid. Never had any run ins with the law, so once I was of age to be questioned by cops I was always really respectful. Once I got to college, however, my run ins with the police became pretty ooc (out of control), and I was starting to wonder if I was a victim of racial profiling.

It was the summer of '06. I spent this summer retraining myself to walk due to my unfortunate bout with a herniated disc and the resulting sciatica. The summer wasn't a very good one. The headlights in the Probe were on the fritz and refused to shine (they would lift themselves, only adding insult to injury), I wasn't able to work at Chili's due to my inability to stand up straight (which eventually turned into my inability to walk), and every morning I had Organic Chemistry lab which took me 3 hours to prepare for in order to stand and get to my car.

I would like to take this time to thank my friends Britni, Allen, Bradley, Sabina, and Meg for really being there for me that summmer. Britni for allowing me to stay in your house (whether you knew that part or not) and the rest for everything else.

Towards the end of the summer, I was able to move around better and to hang out with people once again. I was spending most of my time at Britni's house due my difficulties climbing stairs, an unfortunate event that had me scared to stay at my place, and not to mention my inability to pay bills without money. This particular day was the day before my O-Chem Lab final. Also during this time, the LSU Honors College were doing their FOCUS program (A program I ending up teaching Music for the following year), and one day Allen and Sabina invited me to come hang out with the programmers and the participants. The kids were showing off what they had learned during the two weeks they had spent in the dorms, and the counselors and programmers were hanging out and just having a good time. It had gotten late, and I was still sitting on the couch in the lobby of the dorm, and almost everyone (including Allen, Sabina had left) had gone upstairs. I was ready to go, but could not make it to the part of the dorm that everyone had gone through (card key access denied)and like so many other times in my life, my phone was dead. Of course I had Allen and Sabina's numbers memorized, but I had no access to a phone, so they were of no use. I needed to study, and didn't want to bother anyone until the point of frustration. So out of frustration I decided to make the best and most logical decision I had ever made in my life: I will just walk to my car!

I'm so smart; I should win role model of the year. Let me show you this map I made.

So my destination was about 1 mile from my starting point, and I was frustrated and determined. (Path in Red)I began at Acadian Hall, and decided to cross Highland Rd. My car was on that side of the road, so I wanted to get it over with. I finally made it, and about 15 minutes of walking, I made it to the mailbox (indicated by the blue square). I took a break, because obviously I deserved it. Five minutes passed, and I continued on. I decided my next break would be that light pole on the other side of the intersection. As I am crossing over Stadium Drive, (Path in baby blue) a Baton Rouge police car drives pass me. I think nothing of it as I am trying to make it to that super fucking comfortable light pole I'm eying. But then I take notice of the cop car as it pulls into the parking lot, makes a large loop, and comes back down the street. As soon as I reach my destination (about 35 minutes after beginning my voyage), the cop has turned on his flashers and has....pulled me over?

What do you call that?

So here I am, sweating and gasping like I just finished a marathon, and I am being approached by a police officer.
Officer: Hey there son, you alright? You're walking kind of funny.
Me: Yeah, I have a herniated disc in my back and its difficult to walk. I am okay though.
Officer: Where are you walking to?
Me: I'm walking to my car, its at Highland Plantation.
Officer: Gotcha....are you drunk? Have you been drinking?
Me: (Seriously? What did I just say?) No sir...I don't drink. Never have. (I chuckle then lean on the light pole)
Officer: Oh okay. Are you hiding any weapons or drugs?
Me: (Yeah I have 4 uzis under my fat rolls) No...Haha I've never been pulled over for walking before.
Officer: Give me a second. calls for backup. Just wait right here sir. Can I see your ID
Me: I guess....
5 minutes pass, back up arrives
Officer: Okay sir, I'm going to need to search you for concealed items.
Me: Okay...
Frisks me. It was kind of funny because he lifts my chest flap to check for, I dunno, a bomb or something.
Officer: Okay he's clean
Officers go back to the car and talk with each other
Officer: Okay well you seem to be having a hard time standing, so I will go ahead and give you a ride to your car.
Me: Thank you....?

It is worth mentioning that the officer stated to his back up that I looked suspicious and that is the reason I was pulled over. I probably should not have gotten in the car with the officer, but I don't think he would allow me not to. Ironically enough, I was being taken to The Probe; in which I had gotten pulled over for driving without headlights and I thought this was about to turn into a repeat offense. Luckily, he dropped me off in front of the apartment complex, and went on his way while I walked to the back of the complex to The Probe. Then I drove as fast as I could to Britni's place so I could finish studying for my final (which I aced and got an A in the lab).

That was not my first and would not be my last awkward run in with the police, I don't even try anymore. ~!Antoine!~

Its Not Clean Until Momma Says Its Clean

Its Mother's Day, and what better way to show appreciation than a short story about she who is Annette.

While in undergrad, I got few visits from my parents. My dad had no business in Baton Rouge, but once my mom got promoted, she made frequent trips down for "trainings" (seriously, Annette doesn't get taught, but she will school you).

One of the earlier trips she made, she stayed with me in my spacious 1 bed/br apartment on the outskirts of campus/hood that I had lived in for a year by that time. I guess she had taken one day extra to be with me, so she stayed behind one day in my place while I did my scholarly duties. After returning from the sorority house at which I worked, I came back to a completely clean apartment (my place was "clean", more disorganized). I was shocked and amazed that my amazing mother had not only cleaned my place, but not rearrange my entire life in a way that I couldn't find everything I needed. The following conversation ensued:

Me: Thank you Momma, it looks so good!
Momma: Yeah, I had to give it the deep clean, you should really dust more often.
Me: Yeah I never really pay attention, I'm not here too often I'm always working.
Momma: I know. So I moved all those bags from the top of the kitchen cabinets. I found a lot of stuff up there.
Me:Really? Like what?
Momma: A thermometer and some bag clips
Me: Oh haha, I have never looked up there
Momma: I found marijuana up there too.
Me: Oh...really?...What did you do with it?
Momma: I threw it away
Me: Okay then....
I walk to my room

What was I supposed to say to that? In my years of life, I've learned never to freak out about things, just to kind of go with the flow. If Annette smelled fear, she would've brought her belt out of retirement. It wasn't mine, I've never smoked a day in my life, and can count the number of alcoholic beverages I've had in my life on one hand (we're not counting the beer Gramma would give me), but I had to think to myself "My mother knows me well enough to know that I would never smoke, or at least hide it in such a terrible spot" So I let it go.

Future life happenings have taught me that the only real clean, is an Annette Clean. I still want that poster. ~!Antoine!~

She Is Still Winning The Race!!!

I'm dedicating this post to the one and only Annette Marie Green Jefferson.

Before ya'll start thinking that this is gonna be some type of sob story that has a really deep meaning, then you are gonna to have to wait on that from one of my other brothers. This short story for the longest time was almost a tall tale of sorts.

One Sunday afternoon, it had to be late **80's/early 90's, Annette, Mario, and I were walking home from gramma's house which was at the lower end of Shiney.We walked from there because she took us to church when we didn't have a car. So as we walked, Momma sparked up the usual convo; how's school, how's sports, do ya'll have girlfriends. Of course we ain't trying to talk about our love lives to our momma, so we quickly reverted back to the sports question. After mario and i argued about whos was the best at each sport, Momma decides to interrupt our bickering with,"Ya'll aren't fast, i bet i can beat both of ya'll in a race." ???????? WHAT!!!! Mario and I erupted in to laughter. We were in disbelief, that our mother Annette Jefferson would utter the words of challenge to us. So what did we do being kids? We called her **bluff, WE CHALLENGED HER!! She said ok, "when we get to the top of Gum St., we will go." We were crunk. Anxious as ever, the starting line neared. Mario and I stare at each other with our game faces locked in, we loosen up our usher ties, un-tuck our all white oxford shirts, and tighten our black leather belts. Mind you that my mom was in N.L.B.C Gear, yet, we arrived. Right before the countdown, Momma says,"Ya'll know what, i will give ya'll a head start." We didn't believe, she just let us win. I'm thinking she really wants to boost our ego. HAHAHAHA yea right. On Your Marks, Get Set, GO!!!!!!!!!!! We take off!! Mario is in the lead, i was in a close second, and my mom hasn't even started racing yet. The next thing I know, I hear what sounds like a rapid !CLACKING! noise. My mom zooms by me, and swiftly by mario, to gain the lead and win the race.. I stand in the middle of Gum St. adjacent to Mr. Jim C's Trailer, wondering how? My Mom just straight up served me and mario while she was wearing her N.L.B.C usher suit and heels. Now You CAN RUN TELL DAT!!

**to spare my mom the embarassment, i wanted to just mention the years
** My momma ain't no bluff

THE OLDEST

HELLO WORLD THIS IS THE OLDEST OF THE FOUR DARRIUM ANDRE GREEN, BUT KNOWN TO MANY OF YOU AS CHEEKO. I AM A PROUD FATHER, HARD WORKIN, LOVIN HUSBAND,& VERY FAMILY ORIENTED. LOVE TO LAUGH, LIVE, & LEARN. NOT VERY BIG ON SPEECHES, JUST WANTED TO LET U KNOW A LITTLE ABOUT MYSELF. MY WIFE IS URSULA MOORE-GREEN, MY KIDS BREAUNDRICK MOORE & TY'DARRIUM GREEN. U KNOW MY BROTHERS AND PARENTS. THAT'S JUST A LITTLE ABOUT ME BUT WILL KEEP U FILLED IN AS WE GO (SHI-TOWN).

Baby You're A Firework

I felt like this week, the brothers and I could post about our entertaining (for you, the audience) bad life choices (otherwise known as BLCs. Also note how in my introduction post I stated that my stories would usually be sans brothers, and here's story number 2, avec brothers (j'aime francais).

This story takes place either in the summer time (around 4th of July) or winter time (around New Years). I don't quite remember the time of year because it was well over 90 degrees out, which if you've ever been to Louisiana, doesn't indicate a season whatsoever. The only other indicator of time of year was that our cousins, Jermaine and Edjuan (aka Buddie) were present. So lets just go with summer.

So here we are in what I believe to be the summer of 93. I assume I was 7, so we'll go with that. Its 4th of July season, so we were allotted firecrackers to play with. Our amazing grandmother, aptly called Gramma, always took us to go shopping for firecrackers at a fireworks tent during a fireworks season. Because I was the youngest of the 6 of us, I kind of just admire the colors of the firecrackers' casing while I let the others decide on the selections.

I was very disconnected from the idea of the power of the firecrackers due to one reason: my Uncle Eddie Lee. At this age, everything to me was compared by age. If you were older, you were automatically harder, better, faster, stronger. So my Paw Paw was the baddest of them all, then my grandma, and so on. My uncle is 6'5, 300 some odd pounds, large bald black man. He looks like he can do some damage if needed. One thing he would do (or at least could do) with black cats (you know the ones, the 5 second fuse that caused a medium explosion that were black with white spots) is let them pop in his hand and be unharmed. He was also scared shitless of scary movies. So in my mind, because he was so afraid of scary movies, that means that firecrackers were basically child's play. This theory created by my 7 year old mind would prove to be very wrong.

The 6 of us (not going to lie, I don't remember if the oldest was there for this, but in this recap, he was there) made it back to Paw Paw and Gramma's house, and we were released to the backyard for fun with these tiny explosives. I was not old/brave enough to hold firecrackers and throw them before they popped, so I usually would place it on or around something, light the stem, then run like hell. Great plan, obviously. Well my brothers, cousins, and neighborhood friends were having a blast, and I was feeling a little left out.

I plotted my way into their cool graces and they decided that they would let me pop a more powerful firecracker. Now I spent some time searching for this particular tiny power packer, but my search came up short. It is a small cylinder, bigger than a black cat, with a green, thick stem. Or was it silver? Doesn't matter, what matters is that I was about to enter cooldom. I carefully plotted where I wanted the explosion to take place, and I finally made a choice; a bad life choice.

The backyard in which we were playing had about 7 or 8 run down, junk cars. It also had plum bushes, so you know, winning. I decided that one of the cars' backseat would be my target. It was an old black sedan, and it was time to make this car useful again. My brothers handed me the firecracker, I lit it, and tossed it into the backseat of the car. POW!!!!! It went off, loud as it could be, and filling the inside of the car with smoke. That did it, I was now officially cool. Thank you America, if you hadn't had a birthday, then this wouldn't have been made possible.

About 30 seconds past, and we realize that there is a fire going on inside of the car. An old blanket was in the car, and it got lit on fire from the explosion! Well my brothers, being older and wiser, sprang into action. Sprung? Over it. They took the blanket out, put out the fire, and saved the day. I mean seriously, what was I gonna do? I was obviously too cool to be dealing with an unwanted fire. However, I was scared half way out of my pee-wee mind. I thought I was going to be in so much trouble for setting ablaze this blanket inside this car. After my brothers put out the fire, I was done for the day. It was hawt, mosquitoes were amassed, and it was most likely my nap time (2 pm. Still is.). I go back to the house and find my overstuffed chair that I am accustomed to sleeping in, and go into deep, bear-like hibernation.

Disclaimer:I love my family and my upbringing and I wouldn't change anything about it other than the phone thing... Have you ever been awaken to a belt being applied to your legs in a fashion of punishment and anger? Because Gloria Girton had done just that. I had no idea why I was being hit with a belt, for I didn't know taking a nap was a crime. After my 10 second punishment (which was 9 seconds too long, Gramma don't play), I smelled something burning and it smelled BAD. My uncle then comes in through the front door and quickly yells "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!!?!". Oh I'm sorry, you guys must want to know my napping secret? Well the first thing you should do is get the itis... So confused, so I reply "I don't know what yall are talking about". He tells me to follow him, and I go to the back yard to find the source of the bad burning smell: a burning car. I bet you'll never guess which car was burning either. The fire was high, the smoke was black and toxic (and not the Britney Spears kind of toxic, but the bad kind of toxic), the pecan tree beside the car was being burned, there was concern, and my Paw Paw, Mr. Boy himself, was there with a hose, handling it because he was the business. He, like the rest of the adults, was not happy with my decision to become cool.

Listen blog world, I can't be held accountable for such actions. Now, obviously my brothers and cousins quickly blamed me for the incident. I picked the car, I threw in the firecracker, I set the blanket on fire, I took the nap; clearly all evidence is tainted with my actions. But, lets be honest, I was 7, and somewhere in Andre's 16 year old mind, or the others 10-12 year old minds, that this was a bad idea. Not my fault you don't let me play in your reindeer games and I had to prove myself. Which, after the fire happened, I was demoted back to my previous status.

I don't know why I was demoted, car explosions were totally in. ~!Antoine!~

EDIT: While I was sleeping

I woke up this morning (May 3rd, 2011), proud of my storytelling abilities, only to start thinking: What happened while I was sleeping? I could only imagine. So here is my made up story of what happened while I was asleep (Family, please feel free to fill me in on the secret).

So obviously with me being gone, Wash had to turn into the errand boy. Now I could only assume that after the blanket was so bravely put out, that it still had embers that ignited the car seat. It was hawt out, and I could imagine the car being greenhoused into dryness, so that would make sense. However, I choose to believe that my brothers and cousins decided that popping firecrackers in the car was a great idea and continued to do it. Until finally the car ignited.

Now with the car fire starting to pick up energy, I have to assume that either Marieaux and his big headed geniusness, or Andre with his bag o' pass the blames, quickly decided to state that it was Boobie who started the car fire. With this decision made, it was time to get the adults. I can only imagine Paw Paw was too, taking his 2 pm nap, so my brothers sent Wash to fetch Uncle Eddie Lee. I can also imagine, that my Uncle Eddie Lee had no idea what to do and fetched Mr. Boy himself. Of course Gramma and her motherly intuition just knew something was going on with the kids, so she made it outside along with Paw Paw and Uncle Eddie Lee.

Now this next part is where I believe I have the most accurate of information. My great-grandfather was a man of few words; his actions spoke for him. So clearly he did not give a f*** how the car was set to flames, he just saw a car set to flames and it needed to be put out. My grandmother, had to be the one to ask the question: "WHAT HAPPENED, ARE YALL HURT? WHO DID THIS!?!?!?!!" Obviously, Andre being the oldest and most credible of those with the information became the spokesperson and stated "Boobie threw a firecracker in the car, and it caught on fire!" Since I was not there, Gramma clearly asked "Where is he, hell?!" And I can imagine Wash saying "sleeping in that chair in the front". Okay cool, all information was gathered to formulate a plan, so I can imagine Paw Paw stating "Alright, Eddie, you help me with this fire. Glory, you go in there and beat that boy". They probably did one of those football breaks and hustled to their positions and did their jobs. I can also see Uncle Eddie Lee being bad at his job, which is why he left the backyard to come get me to see the damage I had done.

Yeah...that's how it happened.