Bar Golf & The Misadventures of Blackout Man

Have you ever been in a situation where its properly planned and looks like that nothing could go awry? Situations where you go in feeling completely safe but half way through realize that you're a part of a massive BLC that makes you question life and the English language? Well, the Athens 2011 Bar Golf Tour is the definition of what I just outlined.

Its late January, and school has been in session for maybe three weeks now. The I/O (Industrial/Organizational) Psychology graduate department decides to host this lovely event called Bar Golf. I am not a drinker, so my knowledge of drinking games is limited. Supposedly this is a common event, and a lot of people were gung ho. I informed the graduate students in my department and of Bradley's department, just so there would be a friendly competition going on. Two students decided to represent us, and the rest of us decided to spectate. Two weeks of hype and it was finally time to get the show on the road.

Before I explain the events, I will give the rules (to my best recall) of this event. The rules were as follows:

1. BGA Athens will consist of teams of two (2) persons.
   
2. A total of twelve (12) bars will be visited. A starter bar, nine (9) holes/bars, a sand trap bar, and a club house bar at the end.
   
3. At each hole, a team must have each member drink two (2) drinks to score a Hole-In-One. The fewer drinks consumed, the more strokes it costs. Players can't take drinks for team members
   
4. Any alcoholic drink counts; shots, beers, mixed drinks, etc.
   
5. All golfers will travel together to each hole. Maps will be given at the starter bar
   
6. Travel between bars will be every thirty (30) minutes
   

Okay I can't think of any other rules, they really didn't matter. The graduate students from my department only saw "Two drinks per player = hole-in-one". WHATEVER. Their eyes were bigger than their stomachs (and in this case, livers), because they had not taken the time to think that 18 drinks (or 19 if you count the sand trap) in 5 hours (or two drinks every 30 minutes) were too many drinks to consume, but I figured they would realize it soon enough. They opted out of wearing costumes, and we all marched our way to the first bar.

We get there, and we are greeted by the hostess, who hands out he score cards and map of the tour route. There were about 15 teams, and about 20 spectators, many people adorned in golfing gear, and ready for a festive event. Once 30 minutes passed, we all caravanned to the first drinking bar of the night.

Bar 1
The entire crew gets to the first bar, which was across the street from the starting point. It was the smallest bar of the night, and we were seemingly their first customers. My team gets to the bar first, but somehow were the last ones to be served. They made it a point to never go back to that bar. However, while at the bar, it was a blast. I met new people and more spectators showed up to witness this sporting event. After 30 minutes, the hostess shouted for the next bar, so the entire cavalcade migrates to the second bar.

Bar 2
The entire crew gets to the second bar, and my team realized that taking shots would make for an easier downing. They figured if they could take shots at the beginning of the bar visit, they'd have the rest of the visit to sober up for the next bar. This bar was much bigger and mingling with the groups was much easier. Half way through the visit, several teams realized the severity of this BLC. When it was time to move to the next bar, around 4 teams backed off and skipped holes to wait for the cavalcade to arrive at them.

Bar 3
The hostess, being one who realizes the severity of the situation, comes to me and states:

Antoine, please check on me through the night. If you don't see me at hole 5, that means I'm dead and you should alert the appropriate sources.

Awesome.
At this point, no team (but mine) was willing to go for hole-in-ones. My team saw this and started reveling in the fact that they were winning and could go longer with the hole-in-ones. This is one of those moments where dedication was not a virtue.

Bar 4
By this time, more people were downtown and the bar had more than just the Bar Golf Tour. More teams dropped out, and some teams that left before were at this bar. It became apparent that this tour was becoming a competition for the pride of my department amongst the other departments. After 30 minutes of pool and dancing, it was time for Bar 5.

Bar 5
As soon as we get to bar 5, I check on the hostess and she was very much alive. With my one job done, I go back to observing the masses. I go to check on my team, and they have decided to take shots for this bar. While there were only a few teams left still playing, my team refused to give up. Towards the end of the 30 minutes of the visit, one of the team members started to....transform. He was no longer Garry, but now BLACKOUT MAN!!! "Blackout Man! Already blackout, blackout more."

Blackout Man, with his trusty sidekick The Enabler, have replaced the team members of my department. With their faithful maid, Jane, taking care of their map and score card, kept a close eye on the team while myself, Insomniac, The Microbiologist, and the Marine Scientist kept on observing this super hero's misadventures.

Bar 6 Land
Blackout Man and The Enabler, along with the rest of the remaining tour, arrive at Bar 6. Blackout Man's powers were weak at this point, and The Enabler took it upon himself to make sure he became more powerful. There are very few teams left, and there is about a 94% chance that only our team drank at that hole. The Hostess, with her type A powers, allows the 30 minutes to lapse and rounds up the tour for the next bar: The Sand Trap.

The Sand Trap
Blackout Man, with his powers increasing, gracefully makes his way to The Sand Trap. The Hostess tells the tour that everyone (including spectators and former teams that became spectators) that everyone should have a rum and coke icee, which is why she needed to have this bar on the route. Blackout Man and The Enabler decided to just take a shot, and asked the Hostess was it required that they stay there. She tells them that they may go on to the next bar, as the Hostess is losing steam and energy from the belligerence that is this night. So Blackout Man and The Enabler, along with Insomniac, leave the bar to go to the next one on the route. I stay behind with the rest of the tour and enjoy the sites and sounds of the Sand Trap. Once the 30 minutes is up, the Hostess calls for time, but it seems as if she can not continue with the tour. I grab as many spectators as possible, because Blackout Man and The Enabler are still on the prowl for the prize. We head to the 7th hole.

Bar 7 Castle
Myself and the spectators make it to the 7th hole, where we look for Blackout Man. However, he is no where to be found. Me, Jane, The Microbiologist, and The Marine Scientist all run into former students at the bar (and current students for me), and realize that Blackout Man should probably not come here. The problem with the bar was not that it was in public, but that it was on the undergraduate side of downtown. OH NO!

We patiently wait the team while we talk to maybe 2 or 3 people who have made it to the 7th hole. And then, like a bulldozer, in comes Blackout Man and The Enabler. Thank Mother Earth they're alive. We suggest that they end their tirade, because they have blown the competition out of the water. "NO!" exclaims The Enabler, "We got this." Famous last words.

I can not handle the sheer amount of people crowding the narrow bar, so I decide that going to the next hole (which was across the street) was the best idea for me. I grab the spectators and walked out. After their hole-in-one, Blackout Man is at full power. He walks out with us to go to the next bar, until he realizes he left his jacket at the Castle. He promptly turns around to retrieve said jacket, that The Microbiologist was holding...too late. Blackout Man is stopped by an undergrad who seems excited to see him. What does Blackout Man do? Pick him up and shake him like a baby. Seriously who does that? I fear for the young undergrad's life, so I go to retrieve Blackout Man and release the undergrad from his clutches. I hand Blackout Man his jacket so he will continue to the 8th hole, which was also a BLC.

Crossing the street to the 8th hole would present a challenge as we had to cross Broad Street River to get to it. NOT A PROBLEM FOR BLACKOUT MAN. He sees that the street is clear, and uses "Blackout Run" to get across the street before a car can come. I scream, because I am scared sh*tless. He makes it. We cross the street when we get the green light, and enter the 8th hole.

Bar 8 Island
Making it to the 8th hole, we quickly realized that Blackout Man has reached his limit and should be taken home. "NO!" exclaims The Enabler, "We got this." Then he hands Blackout Man his beer. Blackout Man, being Blackout Man, drinks said beer. Then he sits down. Then 7 seconds later, he falls asleep. Some people from the tour were actually at the 8th hole, but only because they gave up 4 holes ago and ended up at that bar. They noticed Blackout Man's secret power, Insta-sleep, and congratulated the team for still being in it to win it. The 30 minutes pass, and I round up the remaining crew for the 9th hole.

The 9th hole was across the street, right next to the 7th hole. In hindsight, that should've been better planned as to now have to cross Broad Street River twice in such a drunken stupor, but this situation was not going to prevent Blackout Man and The Enabler from finishing this tour. Blackout Man, once again, uses Blackout Run to cross Broad Street River, but this time a car has to brake to prevent hitting Blackout Man. Blackout Man stops in front of the car, taps the hood, points at the driver, and continues his trek to the other side. I am looking horrified and feeling fear; not due to Blackout Man's brush with death, but with the fact that the car was a gold Trans Am and I was convinced that I was in a Ke$ha video. I don't see any glitter so I think i'm okay...

Blackout Man sees that we have yet to cross the street, and decides that he is going to come back for us. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I promptly cross the street so he did not feel like he needed to come back to get us. We wait for the others, and we finally reach the 9th hole.

Bar 9 Victory Hall
We enter the 9th hole and are greeted by a few teams and The Hostess.
Me: Hostess! (I said her real name lets be honest)
The Hostess: You win
Me: How do you figure?
The Hostess: Everyone else quit. I quit, you're the only ones, you win.
Me: Hahaha awesome, what about the Clubhouse?
The Hostess: I can't. No.

The Hostess has declared our team the winners and promptly leaves. However, this isn't going to stop The Enabler from making a hole-in-one at this bar. He goes and gets Blackout Man a shot and a beer. They take the shot, and Blackout Man takes a drink from his beer. He then sits down and uses Insta-Sleep again. At this point, I take Blackout Man's camera and take some pictures to help remind him of his BLC. Me, The Enabler and his lady friend, Jane, The Microbiologist, and The Marine Scientist are sitting around talking and laughing at Blackout Man.

We ask The Enabler why they were so late coming to the 7th hole, something that we had yet to figure out. He informs us that Insomniac, who has already bapped out, took them to ANOTHER bar for two free drinks. AND YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA BECAUSE...!!?!?! Frenemies. Jane takes their score card and makes a note to reflect the additional BLC.

At this point, Blackout Man comes to, and must go to the bathroom to relieve some of his powers. When he returns, we are watching him to make sure he can make it back to the table, and he hip checks a lady. Now we're gonna have to apologize to this nice lady because we're sure Blackout Man hurt her. The lady then follows Blackout Man, and we discover that this is no ordinary lady; she is The Cougar. The Cougar and Blackout Man begin to battle all over the dance floor. I had to document this feat using Blackout Man's camera, and the battle was finally won by Blackout Man once The Cougar's husband stepped in. Oops, he's not sorry.

The team wanted to go to the Clubhouse, which was a dance bar, but me, The Microbiologist, and the Marine Scientist could not handle anything else that night that wasn't Waffle House. Thankful that The Enabler was in charge of Blackout Man, we hop in my car and go to Waffle House. Once we arrive, we weep just a little over the nights events. Although they were not participants, The Microbiologist and The Marine Scientist still managed to get drunk. I felt drunk by osmosis, not that I know what being drunk feels like, it didn't make the waffle taste any less delicious.

The next weekday, Jane has taken the score card and posted it in an office for the world to see. We reminisce about the night's events, and fill Garry in on his misadventure as Blackout Man:

Me: ...and then you were crossing the street and I screamed because you almost got hit by a car.
Garry: Oh WOW! I do not remember that at all. But it wouldn't have mattered, I've been hit by a car before.
Jane: Wait, what!?
Me: Ummm, dude, that does NOT make it okay!
Stephen: No that is hilarious, you would be okay with getting hit by a car.

That quote instantly went on the quote board. We came up with a game to counter the game created by the Psych Department, but we have yet to implement the game. However after this night's events, i'm not sure if games should be played downtown any more.

Caravan is a noun, where is the application to make it a verb? ~!Antoine!~

There Are No White People In That Bathroom

For someone who doesn't drink, I often find myself in unique situations with those who do drink; and have just finished doing so. They say to never look a gift horse in the mouth .

While in undergrad, I had a friend who I would see often, but she rarely left her house; Danielle. Later on in our college career she would be more apt to go out with other friends, but at this point in time it was not the case. She lived with her then boyfriend Calvin, and so often they would spend time together or take trips back to their hometown on weekends. Alright enough of the back story

February of sophomore year, Calvin turns 21 and wants to go to the casino on the night of his birthday. This was fine with Danielle; except she was only 20 and could not go with him. She is telling me this information and I exclaim "WE SHOULD GO OUT!" Typically, this yields a negative response, but for some reason she said yes. Oh by the way, my nights are typically belligerent so you may want to prepare yourself.

I'm very excited about going out with Danielle for the first time. We decided to go to the gay bar to make Calvin more comfortable (she is a very gorgeous girl, and he was very jealous, so a gay bar seemed like the logical choice to keep him worry-free). I decided that I should invite my good friend Bethany to come along with us. Bethany was no stranger to the gay bar and because I spent so much time with her, I felt that it would make the night more interesting for Danielle. We all make plans and we execute.

I go to Danielle's house first to tell Calvin happy birthday and to have fun at the casino, and to pick up Danielle. She had been drinking white zin to calm her nerves; this is the beginning. We leave to go pick up Bethany and her friend AJ. When we get to Bethany's place, I was shocked at what I saw:

Me: Bethany, why are you dressed like a dude?
Bethany: I wanted to go butch tonight and see how I like it
Me: Seriously? Ummmm....

I just accepted it. Bethany, too, is a gorgeous girl. (Insert PC statement that doesn't make me look like a chauvinist over my friend's decision to dress masculine here) She was still pretty.

Bethany and AJ get in the car, and instantly pulls out a flask. Really? I had no idea what was in the flask, other than hard alcohol. Bethany takes the first shot, then AJ, then they pass it to Danielle. I guess Danielle was more nervous than I thought because she took a long drink. I remember watching this happen then hearing Bethany in the back exclaim "Damn, I guess we need another one". She pulls out a second one. Really?

We drive to the bar, which is only a mile down the street, and park. We go in, Bethany and AJ split from us, and Danielle and I go to the dance floor. Within 10 minutes of being there, somehow, Danielle makes a friend; with a straight guy. She would. Other than the fact that he was at a gay bar to scheme on girls, he was actually a pretty cool guy. We played pool, and he bought Danielle drinks the entire night. Shwasted.

2 a.m. rolled around and it was time to leave. The straight guy and his two lesbian pals escort us out to the parking lot. The lesbians are begging us to go with them and to get the guy's number, as Danielle did a poor job of telling them of her relationship status. Friends don't let friends in relationships get drunk and meet people who are interested in them. They finally got the hint that she didn't want to go with them, and got one of the lesbian's number instead; a seemingly good decision.

Bethany and AJ finally show up so we can leave, and they too are shwasted. Bethany leans on me and speaks:

Bethany: Aaannntoooine...
Me: Yes babe?
Bethany: I'm gonna take AJ to IHOP.
Me: Really? How are you gonna take AJ to IHOP? You didn't drive and if you did, you can't drive now.
Stares at me for 37 seconds.
Bethany: Antoine?
Me: Yes babe?
Bethany: Can you drive me to IHOP so I can take AJ to IHOP?

Bethany and all of her poeticisms. She is actually a very good poet and lyricist, just not now.

I ask Danielle if she would like to go to IHOP, and she has to call Calvin first to alert him to this decision. He gives the okay, and we all hop in the Probe and head to IHOP. We get there and we are awarded prompt seating. Me being a fat kid, already knew what I wanted to order, and within 5 minutes of being there, our orders are taken and drinks are served. IHOP was really on their game this night.

I'm sitting beside Danielle as she talks on the phone with Calvin. At this point he was trying to tell her about his experience at the casino, which unbeknownst to him, she was too drunk to receive anything but bacon. She's sitting there, with the phone to her ear, and all of the sudden you hear her say "Hold on Calvin, I need to throw up". She said it so nonchalantly and with grace. She puts the phone down on the table, and she walks to the bathroom.

No one else at the table thinks anything of what just transpired, and continue with our conversations. Food arrives shortly after, and we begin to eat, while Danielle is in the bathroom. While eating, I get a phone call; its Calvin:

Me:Hello sir
Calvin: Hey man, is Danielle alright?
Me: Yeah dude, she's fine, she's in the bathroom.
Calvin: Still?
Me: Yeah...oh I guess its been like 15 minutes, I'll send Bethany to go get her, then she'll call you when she gets out. Cool?

So I ask Bethany, who has finished her plate of food already, to fetch Danielle for me. She agrees stating that she has to go to the bathroom anyway, and prances to the bathroom. As this is happening, I'm eying Danielle's untouched food and having a conversation with AJ about the night's happenings. While we were talking, I get another phone call from Calvin:

Me: Hello good sir
Calvin: Has Danielle come out of the bathroom yet?
Me: Nope, but don't worry Bethany is in there with her
Calvin: When did she go get her?
Me: Yeah...I guess its been like 15 minutes, but I'm sure they're okay, she'll call when she gets out my friend.

Even though Danielle had been in the bathroom for 30 minutes, it had not dawned on me that she maybe needed attention. Bethany was in there, so she was fine, right?

45 minutes after this whole ordeal began, Calvin shows up at IHOP. We were seated next to the entrance so he spotted me right away. I was oblivious to the time and was a bit perplexed to see Calvin there. He wasn't getting the information he wanted, and clearly couldn't sleep until he knew Danielle would be home safely. Sir, I am an excellent babysitter thank you.

I accompany him to the bathroom area, and unsure as to how we would approach the situation of men going into the girl's bathroom, our answer came out of the door. Bethany walks out, with 4 other girls she met in the bathroom:

Bethany: Hey baby! Look at all these FRIENDS I made in the bathroom.
Calvin: Is Danielle in there?
Bethany: Danielle? Who is Danielle?
Me: Bethany, what were you doing in the bathroom this whole time haha? Danielle is the girl we were with that I asked you to go get for me remember?
Bethany: OH! HER! No, there are NO white people in that bathroom.

Great. Freak out in 3...2...1...

So Calvin busts through the door to search for his girlfriend. He steps foot into the bathroom then hears "I'm right here". How cute, Danielle took a nap sitting on the toilet. She comes out of the stall, then stumbles into Calvin's arms. Calvin states that they're going to leave, and so I get a box for her food and they go on their merry way. I pay for all the food and take Bethany and AJ back to their places and go to bed.

Bethany seemed to always have a memory lapse when it comes to that night and Danielle in general, because she never remembered meeting Danielle any of the 5 times they hung out afterward. Oh well, that night was eventful to say the least.

I should've ate Danielle's food. ~!Antoine!~