De Colores! - Adventures In Mexico

I posted a guest blog on J.L. Clark's website (click here to view the post), and promised her readers that I would make my next blog post a story that involved her. So what better story to tell than the story in which we first became friends? Brevity is not a strength of mine, so prepare for a hilarious lengthy story.

For those who know me, I love volunteering. I believe giving back in any form possible is something EVERY fortunate human should take part of. While in undergrad, I was lucky enough to take part of a great organization; Alternative Spring Break (though we called it Alternative Service Break, but now the entire organization is called Impact). The MO of ASB was to allow a group of college students to participate in a service project, somewhere far from their college, for a week during their school break. You pay a small fee to participate/pay for housing/gas and you either hit or miss on having a good time. I participated in 4 trips in undergrad, and had a blast on all 4 trips (despite the personal and relational hardships) and would suggest anyone to become a member of the organization.

My first trip was to San Juan, Texas; a border town of Mexico. Allen and Bradley was going on the trip, along with 4 other girls whom I had never met until the first meeting. Although we met during the meetings and got along, it wasn't until the trip actually began that we bonded. The trip started on a Sunday. Looking back, I remember going out to the bar until 2, then staying out partying until 4:30 then driving at 6. Not for the light hearted. I'm sure Annette is going to love knowing this. Don't worry Mom, I was fine, and it was 6 years ago, what are you going to do about it now?

I would never talk to Annette like that unless I'm 600+ miles away; when even then I'm not safe, but have a good enough head start to live for about 4 more months.

Sunday morning, Bradley, Allen, and I show up to the parking lot with Bradley's and my Mom's cars, ready to load up for the trip. I'm not 100% sure who rode in who's car on the way to Texas, but I do remember leading (due to the shear fact that Antoine don't play). I also remember seeing a copious amount of cars towing other cars with the words "In-Tow" painted on the towed vehicle. We found this to be quite amusing and still get a good laugh out of seeing them. Here is one for your amusement.

This is not from the trip, but the last "In-Tow" I took and promptly sent to members of the group

Once we arrived, we made it to the site of the LUPE organization. Their goal was to help the residents of San Juan and the surrounding area to get all of the assistance they could get to stay legal and gain citizenship if they so desired. Very noble cause, and a great working model. We're staying on site, in a dorm/cabin. It had two sleeping rooms, full of bunk beds. Our group takes one side, and a group from Wisconsin had the other side and had been there for a week. Time to make some new best friends. They weren't coming back until the next day, so we had to bond with ourselves. And it begins

The guys, already being best friends, didn't have much share with each other. Bradley and Ferniz were site leaders and had been on a trip together before, and were already close. JL bonded instantly with Anna due to their common interests in English and other things. And well...there was MG...have no idea what happened there. Actually...I think I do...

Spoiler Alert

The girls and guys (minus MG) bonded over two of the guys homosexuality. Which is probably why MG was not down with the bonding. Oops; Not Sorry.

After a myriad of commonalities being shared, buffet being ate, and inside jokes being made, we were ready to work the next day. Our first day of work consisted of us going to the border of Mexico and passing out flyers about services that LUPE offered to Mexicans crossing on a work visa. Bradley was our resident Spanish speaker though he was not the MOST effective, he was what we had. Love youuuu. We did our job for the day, and went with the Wisconsin group to a cabbage farm where many migrant workers tended to the land. We got to talk with them, through a few cabbage boxes around, then returned back to the site where we finally got to meet and greet the Wisconsin group. The Wisconsin group consisted of 9 girls and 1 guy, which the guy and another girl were dating (and are now married with children).

This trip was filled with estrogen

Back at the site, we got to participate in LUPE's daily gathering to just talk about the progress of the organization and share stories with some of the community members, and then...IT happened. They put on music, and gave everyone the words to the song that we were to sing along to; De Colores. Never in my life have I been enamored by a song. Literally a kids song talking about the colors of the spring, but somehow the fact that it was in Spanish made me want to dance on rainbows and drink copious amount of Nehi Peach.

As we walked back to our bunker, all I could do is hum this amazing song to myself...very loudly for the world to hear. I remember that night being interesting because, for some weird reason, they let me take the top bunk. Naw its cool, I'm clearly the most gigantic person on this trip, I'll take the top bunk. For those who know me, this was around the time the infamous leg/back issues were starting, so sleeping was very tough for me. I also grew up sleeping on the top bunk, and used to just jumping down gracefully and doing what I need to do. However, just jumping onto the floor was not the best idea as the whole bunker house shook when I did this, awaking not only my group, but the Wisconsin group as well. Oops, not sorry. It was better than me stepping on the head of whomever was below me (which happened often).

The next day, we got to cross over the Rio Grande via tug...raft...ferry? This particular spot, there was a ferry raft that was hooked to some ropes that crossed the river. A car would drive onto the raft, and the passenger would be pulled across the river by men literally pulling on the rope to pull the raft on the other side. I want in on this. When we crossed over, we took pictures and had to take the raft back over so we could get another car.

Me: Excuse me sir, but I really want to pull this rope. Damnit, he doesn't understand me. Someone please translate the urgency of me needing to pull this rope to this nice gentlemen.
Wisconsin girl translates for me.
Ferry Rope Puller: Oh, I speak English, I heard him, and sure that's no problem.
Me: YEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

So I get instructions on how to steady the raft while pulling the rope, and many other decided that pulling the rope seemed like fun so they joined in. Needless to say, with the work load quadrupling, it took very little time to cross the river. After finishing our job, we high fived each other and went to our next task.

Our next job was to go into a neighborhood and flyer the houses with important information. It had something to do with...citizenship classes? Don't remember really, but I do remember all of us being split. Although I was a driver, I somehow didn't get to drive, and instead got paired with one of LUPE's helpers who only spoke Spanish; Off Road Astro Van Lady. She was great and had been very interactive with us, and was clearly a talker. SO AM I! However, with us in the car alone, it was hard to communicate.

Astro Van Lady: So...habla espagnal?
Me: No....je parles francais
AVL: Ahhh frances, mi comprendo!

That's all I needed. Back then, my french was fresh so I decided to try them out on her. It actually worked. There were awkward pauses to try and digest what the other said before responding, but it was a crowning achievement. Not even a language barrier was going to keep me from talking to people.

After the flyering, we were treated to lunch at someone's house in the neighborhood, who LUPE's Habitat for Humanity built the house (Proyecta Aztecta) for. It was authentic Mexican food and it was fantastic. We stepped outside the house and Anna spotted this cat, with whom she quickly fell in love with. As she picks up the cat, we realize the cat has a multitude of dingleberries hanging off of its backside.

Anna: Oh my gawd I LOVE this cat! Its so cute!
JL: Ummm, what is that hanging off of its butt?
Anna: Oh no! kitty has dingleberries! Gonna put you down now. But you are still very cute.

Dingleberry cat, you will always be our friend.

That evening, a friend of the organization decided to take us across the border for some fun in Reynosa. We all hope in our cars, and head to the border. We park at a strip mall, and walk across the border (easier transition and less hassle). We cross over and the first thing we are told is to "not drink the water". Some of the girls from Wisconsin had done study abroad in Mexico, and were not in the least afraid of Montezuma's Revenge. Whatever, just don't keep me up with your belligerent bubbly guts.

We go and do a money exchange, then we go and eat at a local shop. We start to disperse, and I just hang out with whomever I see. One of the rules in our organization is that there is to be no drinking on the trip. However, that did not stop Wisconsin from getting sloshed on 50 cent beers and $1 tequila. I'm....kinda jealous. As the night went on, Wisconsin all got bolder and better at Spanish? We were certain that only 3 were fluent in Spanish, but 3 hours into this excursion across the border, all 10 were fluent native speakers. That must be some fantastic tequila.

One of our members wanted to buy a bottle of Mexican tequila, which was permissible, so a few Wisconsin girl, Bradley, Allen, and myself accompany her to purchase the tequila. While they were in the store, the rest of us sat on the curb and chatted.

Wisconsin Girl #1: So...are you guys gay?
Me: What kind of question is that? You're bold...and I like it.
Wisconsin Girl #2: We were just wondering, and we figured we'd ask and not make assumptions
Me, Allen, and Bradley looking at each other trying not to laugh
Me: Dude, don't look at me
Bradley: Yeah...I am.
Wisconsin Girl #1: Well, duh. I already knew that.
Me & Allen: BWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!
Wisconsin Girl #1: You're not, are you Allen?
Allen: Yeah, I am.
Wisconsin Girl #2: No way! Seriously? That sucks
Allen: Umm, thanks?

So after that hilarious back and forth, we go back across the border and return to our bunker to have a freaky dance party. Still drunk, the Wisconsin group exclaimed that we must attend the club the next night because it was worth it. I'm down for Latin club shenanigans. Count me in, and I'm driving.

The next morning, the entire crew went off site for some light flyering. While on the drive back, a conversation ensued.

Wisconsin Girl #4: So, I heard Allen is gay. Is that true?
Anna and Me: Ummm......
Me: I seriously don't know how to answer this question. Because the last time I was asked this, I said what I thought was right, and this girl ended up crying and Allen got mad at me and told me just to tell people if they were to ask. Oops.
Anna: That's hilarious.
Wisconsin Girl #4: So he is? Oh that's really cool, I want to talk to him.
Me: He REALLY likes Tim McGraw

That conversation actually held a lot of significance and was a precursor to a great relationship between her and Allen.

Later in the day, we did work on the site itself. The first thing we got to do is watch a house frame be put up at the Proyetca Azteca lot. It was pretty cool. Then, the site needed some landscaping work. Oh yeah.

The site leader and Off Road Astro Van lady were giving us orders. 4 days there, and the only terms I learned were "todos" and "vamanos", which mean "all" and "go" respectively. We were to weed their garden, pick the saffron, mow the lot, and did some painting at the end. We all split up, and JL and I went with Off Road Astro Van Lady.

Astro Van Lady: Aqui, todos.
Me: Wait, she wants us to do take out all of this?
JL: I think so, she said todos
Me: Umm, attend...todos? (Pointing to a flower bed and the area around it)
Astro Van Lady: Si, todos! Vamanos
JL: Well, I guess she wants us to do it all.
Me: I'm going after the cactus! I'm gonna take it with me when I chop it down!

My thoughts were to take out the biggest thing then the little things would be easy aka I WANTED THAT CACTUS. I didn't have any proper cactus chopping tools, so I decided a back ho would have to suffice. So naturally, I start hacking away at this cactus while JL pulls weeds, then from the distance I hear "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!". The site leader did NOT want the cactus to be tampered with. Oops, RIP cactus, for I know you died maybe a week later.

Because I was unsure of what to do, I decided to just "supervise" (Being lazy is an art form). While I was "supervising" everyone, in one of my crowning moments of life:

Me:Hahahaha look, its like...reverse slavery.

I'm awesome.

After all the site work, LUPE had a presentation and luncheon to thank both us and Wisconsin. We wrote a poem, danced, ate cake, and had a grand ole time. Wisconsin went off to do their own thing for the rest of the afternoon/evening, so we decided to have a quiet evening at home and cook. Something that was failed to be mentioned was the idea that because there were many vegetarians in the Wisconsin group, that almost all of our food for the trip was meatless. We were extremely excited by the idea that we would get to cook and eat meat. After discussion, we decided spaghetti and meatballs would be our poison. After we finished cooking, we sat down to eat. While eating, the site leader came to talk to us and asked if we would hang out with her grandchildren. I looooooovvveeee kids!

The children entered the house, and we offered them food. Two of them took bowls of spaghetti, while the third was reluctant to eat our feast. Ferniz offered her meatballs, and gave her one, and she nibbled on it for a bit. Then she went and got more meatballs. Like a mound. She was probably 5, and the amount of meatballs she ate was kind of out of control. Anna, great with nicknames, aptly named her Meatballs.

After dinner, we decided to go outside and play with the kids. After little debate, we chose to play Red Rover. We split up, each of us taking kids on both sides. We came to the unspoken rule that when kids ran through, we would let them break our arms. This wasn't a "being nice" thing more of it being a "don't clothesline the kids" thing. We were having a grand ole time running back and forth on the lot. At one point, one of the kids ran through and we let him break our arms. He swiftly runs back to the other side gleefully.

Todos: Who do you want Joe? You got to pick someone.
Joe: Ummm....I WANT THE BROWN ONE!
He was talking about me
Me: I love this kid.
Todos: Laughter

After Red Rover, I turn on the car and start blasting some De Colores because what better way to have a children's dance party. We dance until the site leader comes to take the children back home. We say our goodbyes and go back into the bunker. Very soon after, Wisconsin returns, and they are ready to go to the club. Only Anna and I want to go, so the rest of our group stays behind. We take my car and a Wisconsin van, and we head out.

The club was called Graham Central Station, and it was a large club with 7 different rooms: latin, hip hop/r&b, dance, karaoke, country western, and two others that escape me. All of the rooms were packed with people, and it was a complete blast. We stay out for a while. When it was time to go, there was a shift in riders. Then, the awkward ride commences.

Wisconsin Girl #2: Antoine, do you have a girlfriend?
Me: Ummm...no. Do you? Haha
Wisconsin Girl #3: I think she needs to tell you something
Wisconsin Girl #2: I have a big crush on you, I just wanted you to know. You're just really cool
Wisconsin Girl #1: We were gonna tell you in Reynosa, but we needed to make sure you were single
Me: I'm flattered...also this is awkward.
Wisconsin Girl #1: Why is it awkward, Antoine? Are you not interested?
Wisconsin Girl #2: Antoine, if you don't like me, you can just tell me. Why don't like me?
Wisconsin Girl #3: Yeah Antoine, what's wrong?
Me: Wow. (Censored)
Wisconsin Girl #2: Yeah we figured that, we just wanted you to admit it. I don't really have a crush on you.
Me:You. Guys. Are. Awesome. Fine, you win. Lets go to Dairy Queen.

We did not go to Dairy Queen, literally made me sad.

We go back to the site, and sleeping ensues. The next day, we say goodbye to Wisconsin, and pack up ourselves to leave. We stop by the Wal-Mart and pick up a few cases of Apple Fanta, because its delicious and we couldn't leave it behind. We make the 10 hour drive back, stopping at gas stations for dance parties, blasting Beach Boys, counting the number of In-Tow cars, and making sure that the cops didn't pull us over.

After the trip, we all became extremely close to one another. Many nights at the Mexican restaurants with Ferniz, Allen, Bradley, and I all went to JL's wedding, pretty much as VIPs, Anna promptly moved to New York for law school, but Facebook is great for keeping up with awesome people. Also, we're still trying to figure out what happened to MG. We know for a fact that JL had an awkward run in with her because she worked with her brother, and she came into the workplace once and pretended like she didn't know JL. Oh no MG, we know who you are, don't pretend.

I would do that trip all over again with no changes. Actually, I would blast more De Colores. Even though I don't know the words. Not sorry. ~!Antoine!~

Spiders, Cops, and Prostitutes

I have been waiting for a very special occasion to share this story with the world. Seeing as how my best friend Britni is celebrating her birthday today, I figured it would be the best time to share said story; mainly because she's the reason why it happened. Happy birthday Britni, this is your favorite story.

For those who know me, I am usually up in the middle of the night, being belligerent and looking for belligerent situations to get myself into. This night was no different. It was senior year of undergrad, and I was driving around my part of the city out of boredom at 2am. As I am getting close to my apartment, I get a phone call from none other than Britni.

Me: Hey, what are you doing up this late?
Britni: OH MY GAWD! There is a HUGE spider at my house! Can you please come over and kill it?!?
Me: Are you being serious right now? You want me to cross town to kill a spider?
Britni: YES! Antoine, its REALLY big, you have to come kill it please!
Me: Fine. Okay, I'll be over in 15 minutes.

Knowing Britni for so long, I couldn't be surprised that she would ask for such a ridiculous favor, which is why I gave in so easily. She lived about 6 miles from me, and going through the city to get between the two places was usually torture. Seeing as how it was 2 am and I was bored senseless driving in my car already, I made the drive without much reservation.

Upon arrival at the house, I see Britni and her roommate with glasses of Franzia and sitting on top of their cars.

Me: Okay, where is the spider?
Britni: It's somewhere in the car port! PLEASE GET IT!
Me: Britni, your arachnophobia is out of control. You called me over here to kill a spider that is OUTSIDE.
Britni: But its REALLY BIG
Roommate: It really is, I'm not usually afraid of spiders but this one is big we promise!

So naturally I'm slightly peeved that Britni is trying to assure me that this rescue call was of actual importance. Although I liked the roommate very much (still do, she's a blast), I didn't know her well enough to know her levels of arachnophobia. Before I could do a pass in the car port, I hear a screech come from Britni; "AHHHHHH!!!! There it is!!!!!!! I follow her finger to the spider, and there it was: a rat sized spider, chilling by a box, with MOM tattooed to its arm, a switch blade, two bandanas because it was repping both Bloods and Crips, 6 pairs of Air Force Ones, and holding its Master's Degree in Business Administration from LSU.

Me: HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I peed a little when I first saw it, because it was not at all what I was expecting. Well played, Britni. Regardless of the size and my own reservations about getting close to it, I was going to do my duty as the male friend and stomp this spider. As soon as I get my final nerve to do it, the roommate beckons me to stop. She has a better idea.

Roommate: I'm going to call Animal Control!
Thats a bad idea
Me: No, lets just let me do it and we'll be done.
Ignoring me because she's on the phone
Roommate: I got the machine, they say call 911 if its an emergency
Of course you got the machine, its 3 am. She proceeds to dial 911
Roommate: Yes, there is an emergency, we called animal control and they said to call you please come help! Okay thank you! They're on their way!
Such a bad idea
Me: I'm telling you now, that I can do this!
Roommate: NO! If you do it, they'll think we're liars when they get here!

I legitimately could not argue with her logic, although I would have preferred that she had not called 911. So instead of making a quick pass through at my bestfriend's house, I was forced to sit and wait for the police to come, while they sat on top of their cars, and I followed the spider around to make sure it didn't go inside. At one point, a friend from down the street called the roommate and she told him to come look at the spider. He comes down to the house, drunk and drink in hand, sees the spider, and promptly leaves. HELL! I wish I had that option!

The police officer arrives, and sees the girls on top of their cars. He asks them what the problem was, and they state that there is a spider they needed to take care of. He gives the classic "Are you shitting me" face, then turns to me.

Cop: You couldn't kill the spider for them?
Me: They wouldn't let me...but its right over there
Point to the spider
Cop: Damn! That's a big spider

Thanks a lot, just got played by the cops because I'm trying to be a good friend.
Oh, no sir, I'm just a very large black man, of course I can't kill a spider
The cop goes over in his steel toe boots...
(Question, is police officers required to wear steel toe boots, or is this just a Louisiana thing?)
...and squares off with the spider. After the spider stops moving, the officer goes in for the stomp. WOMP!!!!!! Direct hit. As soon as the officer lifts his foot to see the damage, about 300 baby spiders high tail it from underneath the boot: and the girls saw it.

Me: Dude, you just f***ed up.
Cop: Ummmm....well you ladies have a nice night.
Me: I gots to go.

I did NOT want to wait around and see the psychological damage that this scene was about to cause. I saw some toxic aerosol can, and told them that they should spray the spiders they can find with it, and go about my merry business.

I get in my car and just die laughing of the ridiculousness I just took part of. Little did I know, my night was about to get a bit more interesting. I go out of the neighborhood in which Britni lived, and crossed the main street to the gas station. I had been driving for a good part of the night, and gas was in order. As I am pumping the gas, I see this scantly clad woman, who could be nothing short of a prostitute. Finding this sight to be funny, I decide that I would call Britni to give her a laugh. As I am typing in the words to inform my friend of this oddity in the neighborhood, I hear a polite voice behind me:

Polite voice: Excuse me sir...
It was her
Me: Ummm...yes ma'am?
Scantly Clad Woman (SCW): Could you tell me where West Roosevelt Street is?
God, are you playing with me right now? Is this a test?
Me: Its about 6 or 7 miles in that direction
SCW: Oh...hate to ask, but if I paid you, would you be willing to give me a ride?
Yep, this is a test. I wait before I answer and reflect, and decided.
Me: Ma'am, I can give you a ride, you don't have to pay me, because I live on that street.
SCW: Oh THANK YOU! Let me run into the station really quick and grab some things, and I'll be right out! Will you wait for me?

She goes into the gas station, and 10 minutes later she comes out with a feast of gas station food. She gets in my car, and I am already figuring out ways to sanitize the seat once I get her home. We begin the drive, and per usual I start asking questions to make it more comfortable while she is feasting on her bag-o-goodies. She was about in her late 30's, light brown hair, average build with a bit of a belly pudge. She was wearing a jean skirt, and a pink top that showed off said pudge. She tells me that some friends she barely knew and her were partying, and some how ended up on that side of town without knowing how she got there or how to get back. She kept giggling over the fact that she partied so hard. She was originally from California, and she moved to Alexandria, LA when she met her husband. She moved to Baton Rouge when she divorced him, and had been living there for 5 months.

That conversation lasted for a good part of the ride, so I thought I was home free from any weirdness. But of course, I kept asking questions:

Me: So, if you don't mind me asking, where do you work?
SCW: Oh, I'm a performer.
THANK GOODNESS! She's just a stripper! Everyone knows I love strippers.
Me: Oh okay, cool! I know a lot of people who work in clubs around here, which one do you work in?
SCW: Me? Oh, the streets.
Damnit, she's a damn prostitute
Me: Oh...

After being angry with myself for picking up a prostitute, I couldn't believe that I thought that she was a stripper. Strip clubs have standards, and she wasn't meeting them. Not saying, just saying. At this point, we're almost out of campus, and there was nothing I could do that would change the fact that I had given the prostitute a ride home. Even if I had dropped her off right then after she said it, she was already so close to where we were going, she had already won. The prostitute won.

We passed by a police officer pulling over a car. Me being nosey, goosenecked the car to see if I knew the driver of it.

Prostitute: Don't look too hard. If they see a big black man with a white girl in their front seat, they're gonna think you're my pimp!

You. are. awful. Can't wait for you to be out my car.

Shortly after, I make it to my street, and she actually needs to go around the corner. Although it would have been much easier for me to park at my place and let her walk around the corner to where she was going, I didn't want to give her the chance to know where I lived, so I took her to the spot. I soon realized that maybe she didn't live where I was taking her, but I was just taking her to her next corner to work. She gathers her belongings and steps out of the car. She thanks me wholeheartedly for the ride and I told her it was not a problem.

Prostitute: (under her breath) You can get a bj for $100
Me: I'm sorry ma'am, what?
Prostitute: Nothing. Thank you again!

She shuts my door, and I peel off to my apartment. I get inside, lock my door, and mass text everyone and anyone I thought would appreciate the fact that I took a prostitute for a ride. I climb in my bed and go to sleep.

I do not regret this occurrence seeing as how prostitute are people too, and any show of kindness towards humanity is a win for our species. I also feel that I should explain my actions of relief when I thought that the prostitute was a stripper.

When I was a freshman in college, I had the pleasure of meeting an amazing girl who went by Chicago. Before I knew anything about Chicago's life, I fell for her advanced knowledge of chemistry and biology, love of life, and great positive attitude. The night I met her (at the club), we went back to her house and we hung out with a bunch of friends. It was awesome. Found out she was a stripper. Then we started going to her club, and she gifted me with stripper knowledge, so naturally I feel super comfortable around strippers. But not prostitutes.

At least she didn't ask for coins. Happy birthday Britni! ~!Antoine!~

Bar Golf & The Misadventures of Blackout Man

Have you ever been in a situation where its properly planned and looks like that nothing could go awry? Situations where you go in feeling completely safe but half way through realize that you're a part of a massive BLC that makes you question life and the English language? Well, the Athens 2011 Bar Golf Tour is the definition of what I just outlined.

Its late January, and school has been in session for maybe three weeks now. The I/O (Industrial/Organizational) Psychology graduate department decides to host this lovely event called Bar Golf. I am not a drinker, so my knowledge of drinking games is limited. Supposedly this is a common event, and a lot of people were gung ho. I informed the graduate students in my department and of Bradley's department, just so there would be a friendly competition going on. Two students decided to represent us, and the rest of us decided to spectate. Two weeks of hype and it was finally time to get the show on the road.

Before I explain the events, I will give the rules (to my best recall) of this event. The rules were as follows:

1. BGA Athens will consist of teams of two (2) persons.
   
2. A total of twelve (12) bars will be visited. A starter bar, nine (9) holes/bars, a sand trap bar, and a club house bar at the end.
   
3. At each hole, a team must have each member drink two (2) drinks to score a Hole-In-One. The fewer drinks consumed, the more strokes it costs. Players can't take drinks for team members
   
4. Any alcoholic drink counts; shots, beers, mixed drinks, etc.
   
5. All golfers will travel together to each hole. Maps will be given at the starter bar
   
6. Travel between bars will be every thirty (30) minutes
   

Okay I can't think of any other rules, they really didn't matter. The graduate students from my department only saw "Two drinks per player = hole-in-one". WHATEVER. Their eyes were bigger than their stomachs (and in this case, livers), because they had not taken the time to think that 18 drinks (or 19 if you count the sand trap) in 5 hours (or two drinks every 30 minutes) were too many drinks to consume, but I figured they would realize it soon enough. They opted out of wearing costumes, and we all marched our way to the first bar.

We get there, and we are greeted by the hostess, who hands out he score cards and map of the tour route. There were about 15 teams, and about 20 spectators, many people adorned in golfing gear, and ready for a festive event. Once 30 minutes passed, we all caravanned to the first drinking bar of the night.

Bar 1
The entire crew gets to the first bar, which was across the street from the starting point. It was the smallest bar of the night, and we were seemingly their first customers. My team gets to the bar first, but somehow were the last ones to be served. They made it a point to never go back to that bar. However, while at the bar, it was a blast. I met new people and more spectators showed up to witness this sporting event. After 30 minutes, the hostess shouted for the next bar, so the entire cavalcade migrates to the second bar.

Bar 2
The entire crew gets to the second bar, and my team realized that taking shots would make for an easier downing. They figured if they could take shots at the beginning of the bar visit, they'd have the rest of the visit to sober up for the next bar. This bar was much bigger and mingling with the groups was much easier. Half way through the visit, several teams realized the severity of this BLC. When it was time to move to the next bar, around 4 teams backed off and skipped holes to wait for the cavalcade to arrive at them.

Bar 3
The hostess, being one who realizes the severity of the situation, comes to me and states:

Antoine, please check on me through the night. If you don't see me at hole 5, that means I'm dead and you should alert the appropriate sources.

Awesome.
At this point, no team (but mine) was willing to go for hole-in-ones. My team saw this and started reveling in the fact that they were winning and could go longer with the hole-in-ones. This is one of those moments where dedication was not a virtue.

Bar 4
By this time, more people were downtown and the bar had more than just the Bar Golf Tour. More teams dropped out, and some teams that left before were at this bar. It became apparent that this tour was becoming a competition for the pride of my department amongst the other departments. After 30 minutes of pool and dancing, it was time for Bar 5.

Bar 5
As soon as we get to bar 5, I check on the hostess and she was very much alive. With my one job done, I go back to observing the masses. I go to check on my team, and they have decided to take shots for this bar. While there were only a few teams left still playing, my team refused to give up. Towards the end of the 30 minutes of the visit, one of the team members started to....transform. He was no longer Garry, but now BLACKOUT MAN!!! "Blackout Man! Already blackout, blackout more."

Blackout Man, with his trusty sidekick The Enabler, have replaced the team members of my department. With their faithful maid, Jane, taking care of their map and score card, kept a close eye on the team while myself, Insomniac, The Microbiologist, and the Marine Scientist kept on observing this super hero's misadventures.

Bar 6 Land
Blackout Man and The Enabler, along with the rest of the remaining tour, arrive at Bar 6. Blackout Man's powers were weak at this point, and The Enabler took it upon himself to make sure he became more powerful. There are very few teams left, and there is about a 94% chance that only our team drank at that hole. The Hostess, with her type A powers, allows the 30 minutes to lapse and rounds up the tour for the next bar: The Sand Trap.

The Sand Trap
Blackout Man, with his powers increasing, gracefully makes his way to The Sand Trap. The Hostess tells the tour that everyone (including spectators and former teams that became spectators) that everyone should have a rum and coke icee, which is why she needed to have this bar on the route. Blackout Man and The Enabler decided to just take a shot, and asked the Hostess was it required that they stay there. She tells them that they may go on to the next bar, as the Hostess is losing steam and energy from the belligerence that is this night. So Blackout Man and The Enabler, along with Insomniac, leave the bar to go to the next one on the route. I stay behind with the rest of the tour and enjoy the sites and sounds of the Sand Trap. Once the 30 minutes is up, the Hostess calls for time, but it seems as if she can not continue with the tour. I grab as many spectators as possible, because Blackout Man and The Enabler are still on the prowl for the prize. We head to the 7th hole.

Bar 7 Castle
Myself and the spectators make it to the 7th hole, where we look for Blackout Man. However, he is no where to be found. Me, Jane, The Microbiologist, and The Marine Scientist all run into former students at the bar (and current students for me), and realize that Blackout Man should probably not come here. The problem with the bar was not that it was in public, but that it was on the undergraduate side of downtown. OH NO!

We patiently wait the team while we talk to maybe 2 or 3 people who have made it to the 7th hole. And then, like a bulldozer, in comes Blackout Man and The Enabler. Thank Mother Earth they're alive. We suggest that they end their tirade, because they have blown the competition out of the water. "NO!" exclaims The Enabler, "We got this." Famous last words.

I can not handle the sheer amount of people crowding the narrow bar, so I decide that going to the next hole (which was across the street) was the best idea for me. I grab the spectators and walked out. After their hole-in-one, Blackout Man is at full power. He walks out with us to go to the next bar, until he realizes he left his jacket at the Castle. He promptly turns around to retrieve said jacket, that The Microbiologist was holding...too late. Blackout Man is stopped by an undergrad who seems excited to see him. What does Blackout Man do? Pick him up and shake him like a baby. Seriously who does that? I fear for the young undergrad's life, so I go to retrieve Blackout Man and release the undergrad from his clutches. I hand Blackout Man his jacket so he will continue to the 8th hole, which was also a BLC.

Crossing the street to the 8th hole would present a challenge as we had to cross Broad Street River to get to it. NOT A PROBLEM FOR BLACKOUT MAN. He sees that the street is clear, and uses "Blackout Run" to get across the street before a car can come. I scream, because I am scared sh*tless. He makes it. We cross the street when we get the green light, and enter the 8th hole.

Bar 8 Island
Making it to the 8th hole, we quickly realized that Blackout Man has reached his limit and should be taken home. "NO!" exclaims The Enabler, "We got this." Then he hands Blackout Man his beer. Blackout Man, being Blackout Man, drinks said beer. Then he sits down. Then 7 seconds later, he falls asleep. Some people from the tour were actually at the 8th hole, but only because they gave up 4 holes ago and ended up at that bar. They noticed Blackout Man's secret power, Insta-sleep, and congratulated the team for still being in it to win it. The 30 minutes pass, and I round up the remaining crew for the 9th hole.

The 9th hole was across the street, right next to the 7th hole. In hindsight, that should've been better planned as to now have to cross Broad Street River twice in such a drunken stupor, but this situation was not going to prevent Blackout Man and The Enabler from finishing this tour. Blackout Man, once again, uses Blackout Run to cross Broad Street River, but this time a car has to brake to prevent hitting Blackout Man. Blackout Man stops in front of the car, taps the hood, points at the driver, and continues his trek to the other side. I am looking horrified and feeling fear; not due to Blackout Man's brush with death, but with the fact that the car was a gold Trans Am and I was convinced that I was in a Ke$ha video. I don't see any glitter so I think i'm okay...

Blackout Man sees that we have yet to cross the street, and decides that he is going to come back for us. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I promptly cross the street so he did not feel like he needed to come back to get us. We wait for the others, and we finally reach the 9th hole.

Bar 9 Victory Hall
We enter the 9th hole and are greeted by a few teams and The Hostess.
Me: Hostess! (I said her real name lets be honest)
The Hostess: You win
Me: How do you figure?
The Hostess: Everyone else quit. I quit, you're the only ones, you win.
Me: Hahaha awesome, what about the Clubhouse?
The Hostess: I can't. No.

The Hostess has declared our team the winners and promptly leaves. However, this isn't going to stop The Enabler from making a hole-in-one at this bar. He goes and gets Blackout Man a shot and a beer. They take the shot, and Blackout Man takes a drink from his beer. He then sits down and uses Insta-Sleep again. At this point, I take Blackout Man's camera and take some pictures to help remind him of his BLC. Me, The Enabler and his lady friend, Jane, The Microbiologist, and The Marine Scientist are sitting around talking and laughing at Blackout Man.

We ask The Enabler why they were so late coming to the 7th hole, something that we had yet to figure out. He informs us that Insomniac, who has already bapped out, took them to ANOTHER bar for two free drinks. AND YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA BECAUSE...!!?!?! Frenemies. Jane takes their score card and makes a note to reflect the additional BLC.

At this point, Blackout Man comes to, and must go to the bathroom to relieve some of his powers. When he returns, we are watching him to make sure he can make it back to the table, and he hip checks a lady. Now we're gonna have to apologize to this nice lady because we're sure Blackout Man hurt her. The lady then follows Blackout Man, and we discover that this is no ordinary lady; she is The Cougar. The Cougar and Blackout Man begin to battle all over the dance floor. I had to document this feat using Blackout Man's camera, and the battle was finally won by Blackout Man once The Cougar's husband stepped in. Oops, he's not sorry.

The team wanted to go to the Clubhouse, which was a dance bar, but me, The Microbiologist, and the Marine Scientist could not handle anything else that night that wasn't Waffle House. Thankful that The Enabler was in charge of Blackout Man, we hop in my car and go to Waffle House. Once we arrive, we weep just a little over the nights events. Although they were not participants, The Microbiologist and The Marine Scientist still managed to get drunk. I felt drunk by osmosis, not that I know what being drunk feels like, it didn't make the waffle taste any less delicious.

The next weekday, Jane has taken the score card and posted it in an office for the world to see. We reminisce about the night's events, and fill Garry in on his misadventure as Blackout Man:

Me: ...and then you were crossing the street and I screamed because you almost got hit by a car.
Garry: Oh WOW! I do not remember that at all. But it wouldn't have mattered, I've been hit by a car before.
Jane: Wait, what!?
Me: Ummm, dude, that does NOT make it okay!
Stephen: No that is hilarious, you would be okay with getting hit by a car.

That quote instantly went on the quote board. We came up with a game to counter the game created by the Psych Department, but we have yet to implement the game. However after this night's events, i'm not sure if games should be played downtown any more.

Caravan is a noun, where is the application to make it a verb? ~!Antoine!~

There Are No White People In That Bathroom

For someone who doesn't drink, I often find myself in unique situations with those who do drink; and have just finished doing so. They say to never look a gift horse in the mouth .

While in undergrad, I had a friend who I would see often, but she rarely left her house; Danielle. Later on in our college career she would be more apt to go out with other friends, but at this point in time it was not the case. She lived with her then boyfriend Calvin, and so often they would spend time together or take trips back to their hometown on weekends. Alright enough of the back story

February of sophomore year, Calvin turns 21 and wants to go to the casino on the night of his birthday. This was fine with Danielle; except she was only 20 and could not go with him. She is telling me this information and I exclaim "WE SHOULD GO OUT!" Typically, this yields a negative response, but for some reason she said yes. Oh by the way, my nights are typically belligerent so you may want to prepare yourself.

I'm very excited about going out with Danielle for the first time. We decided to go to the gay bar to make Calvin more comfortable (she is a very gorgeous girl, and he was very jealous, so a gay bar seemed like the logical choice to keep him worry-free). I decided that I should invite my good friend Bethany to come along with us. Bethany was no stranger to the gay bar and because I spent so much time with her, I felt that it would make the night more interesting for Danielle. We all make plans and we execute.

I go to Danielle's house first to tell Calvin happy birthday and to have fun at the casino, and to pick up Danielle. She had been drinking white zin to calm her nerves; this is the beginning. We leave to go pick up Bethany and her friend AJ. When we get to Bethany's place, I was shocked at what I saw:

Me: Bethany, why are you dressed like a dude?
Bethany: I wanted to go butch tonight and see how I like it
Me: Seriously? Ummmm....

I just accepted it. Bethany, too, is a gorgeous girl. (Insert PC statement that doesn't make me look like a chauvinist over my friend's decision to dress masculine here) She was still pretty.

Bethany and AJ get in the car, and instantly pulls out a flask. Really? I had no idea what was in the flask, other than hard alcohol. Bethany takes the first shot, then AJ, then they pass it to Danielle. I guess Danielle was more nervous than I thought because she took a long drink. I remember watching this happen then hearing Bethany in the back exclaim "Damn, I guess we need another one". She pulls out a second one. Really?

We drive to the bar, which is only a mile down the street, and park. We go in, Bethany and AJ split from us, and Danielle and I go to the dance floor. Within 10 minutes of being there, somehow, Danielle makes a friend; with a straight guy. She would. Other than the fact that he was at a gay bar to scheme on girls, he was actually a pretty cool guy. We played pool, and he bought Danielle drinks the entire night. Shwasted.

2 a.m. rolled around and it was time to leave. The straight guy and his two lesbian pals escort us out to the parking lot. The lesbians are begging us to go with them and to get the guy's number, as Danielle did a poor job of telling them of her relationship status. Friends don't let friends in relationships get drunk and meet people who are interested in them. They finally got the hint that she didn't want to go with them, and got one of the lesbian's number instead; a seemingly good decision.

Bethany and AJ finally show up so we can leave, and they too are shwasted. Bethany leans on me and speaks:

Bethany: Aaannntoooine...
Me: Yes babe?
Bethany: I'm gonna take AJ to IHOP.
Me: Really? How are you gonna take AJ to IHOP? You didn't drive and if you did, you can't drive now.
Stares at me for 37 seconds.
Bethany: Antoine?
Me: Yes babe?
Bethany: Can you drive me to IHOP so I can take AJ to IHOP?

Bethany and all of her poeticisms. She is actually a very good poet and lyricist, just not now.

I ask Danielle if she would like to go to IHOP, and she has to call Calvin first to alert him to this decision. He gives the okay, and we all hop in the Probe and head to IHOP. We get there and we are awarded prompt seating. Me being a fat kid, already knew what I wanted to order, and within 5 minutes of being there, our orders are taken and drinks are served. IHOP was really on their game this night.

I'm sitting beside Danielle as she talks on the phone with Calvin. At this point he was trying to tell her about his experience at the casino, which unbeknownst to him, she was too drunk to receive anything but bacon. She's sitting there, with the phone to her ear, and all of the sudden you hear her say "Hold on Calvin, I need to throw up". She said it so nonchalantly and with grace. She puts the phone down on the table, and she walks to the bathroom.

No one else at the table thinks anything of what just transpired, and continue with our conversations. Food arrives shortly after, and we begin to eat, while Danielle is in the bathroom. While eating, I get a phone call; its Calvin:

Me:Hello sir
Calvin: Hey man, is Danielle alright?
Me: Yeah dude, she's fine, she's in the bathroom.
Calvin: Still?
Me: Yeah...oh I guess its been like 15 minutes, I'll send Bethany to go get her, then she'll call you when she gets out. Cool?

So I ask Bethany, who has finished her plate of food already, to fetch Danielle for me. She agrees stating that she has to go to the bathroom anyway, and prances to the bathroom. As this is happening, I'm eying Danielle's untouched food and having a conversation with AJ about the night's happenings. While we were talking, I get another phone call from Calvin:

Me: Hello good sir
Calvin: Has Danielle come out of the bathroom yet?
Me: Nope, but don't worry Bethany is in there with her
Calvin: When did she go get her?
Me: Yeah...I guess its been like 15 minutes, but I'm sure they're okay, she'll call when she gets out my friend.

Even though Danielle had been in the bathroom for 30 minutes, it had not dawned on me that she maybe needed attention. Bethany was in there, so she was fine, right?

45 minutes after this whole ordeal began, Calvin shows up at IHOP. We were seated next to the entrance so he spotted me right away. I was oblivious to the time and was a bit perplexed to see Calvin there. He wasn't getting the information he wanted, and clearly couldn't sleep until he knew Danielle would be home safely. Sir, I am an excellent babysitter thank you.

I accompany him to the bathroom area, and unsure as to how we would approach the situation of men going into the girl's bathroom, our answer came out of the door. Bethany walks out, with 4 other girls she met in the bathroom:

Bethany: Hey baby! Look at all these FRIENDS I made in the bathroom.
Calvin: Is Danielle in there?
Bethany: Danielle? Who is Danielle?
Me: Bethany, what were you doing in the bathroom this whole time haha? Danielle is the girl we were with that I asked you to go get for me remember?
Bethany: OH! HER! No, there are NO white people in that bathroom.

Great. Freak out in 3...2...1...

So Calvin busts through the door to search for his girlfriend. He steps foot into the bathroom then hears "I'm right here". How cute, Danielle took a nap sitting on the toilet. She comes out of the stall, then stumbles into Calvin's arms. Calvin states that they're going to leave, and so I get a box for her food and they go on their merry way. I pay for all the food and take Bethany and AJ back to their places and go to bed.

Bethany seemed to always have a memory lapse when it comes to that night and Danielle in general, because she never remembered meeting Danielle any of the 5 times they hung out afterward. Oh well, that night was eventful to say the least.

I should've ate Danielle's food. ~!Antoine!~

Restaurant Adventures: Botox Betty

As I sit here in Nashville with my dear old friend Pancakes, I can't help but be reminded of one of the biggest horror stories I was involved in during my stint as a server (I like run-on sentences). By this point, I've had many horror stories and thought that I had seen it all; until this day.

It was February 2008, and I was guest serving at my original store. I picked up a shift before I went to Denver for a conference. I figured the extra spending cash wouldn't hurt, and it was a good shift in a busy section of the restaurant. It was a good night, K-Monster was bartending, the hostess and I were playing games, and the manager was really cool. The night was pretty fruitful, up until towards the end.

I remember there being a phone call to come in stating that a 45 top (yes, 45 people at once eating together) was coming in towards the end of the night. By this point, there were only three servers left, and I was one of them. I did not want to get caught in this storm, so I was hoping that all of my guests would leave and I could clean up before the large party came, alleviating me of said duties. My plan was flawless, all I needed to do was execute.

As with any restaurant, this store had its regulars. Some were great, others were nightmares. And this night, I was lucky enough to have a nightmare regular come in.
Name:Botox Betty
Age: ~50, but probably 9,002
MO: Bring Sugar Daddy to restaurant and drink 2 for 1 chardonnay
Bad Qualities: Never satisfied, tip poorly, leave a note on receipt

Botox Betty was known for coming in and being difficult with the servers. She was in her mid-fifties and looked like she had a good bit of work done in the past but she finally gave up on working on her face. Once she entered the store, she would get two for one chardonnay and then take forever to order, usually dissatisfied with her choice. She would often leave a note for the server in lieu of a tip due to her dissatisfaction.

I believe at this point, everyone knew who she was, and was just going to deal with her. She wasn't bad to deal with, she didn't really cause issues, it was just hard to please her. She sat in my section with one of her many male friends and looked at the menu. The gentleman ordered beer, and she ordered wine; which is 2 for 1 until an hour before close (10 pm). I had many tables, so I was struggling trying to keep everything clean and my guests satisfied, and she was making things difficult by not knowing what she wanted to order. This wasn't an indecisive type moment, but a "I don't remember what I ordered last time" moment. To make matters worse, she said it was "fish" and we only have 3 fish dishes on the menu and somehow it was too difficult for her to recant her memory to which of the three it was. After she described what the dish was "probably" like (Seriously?! I was about to punch her), I told her which one it most likely was and she ordered it. 15 minutes wasted.

At this point I'm behind and slightly frustrated at her seemingly budding incompetence. I didn't have time to vent to anyone because I wanted to be out of the store by the time the large party came so I didn't have to serve them. Then, the food came out. I grabbed the plates and hand the couple their dishes. The gentleman dives in, while Botox Betty decides that this is not the dish she ordered. ARE YOU F***ING SERIOUS? I went and grabbed a menu and went over the dish one last time and asked her if she would like to order something different. She decided that she would just eat off of her friend's plate.

Around 9:50, K-Monster made last call for happy hour. I go around to all my guests and ask if they would like anything, all of them (including Botox Betty) said no and I went about my business. Because of the mishap, I payed extra attention to Botox Betty and guest so that their experience was still a good one. At 10:04 I went back by and asked if there was anything needed. BB asked for another round of chardonnay.

Me: Another house chardonnay? That is fine, but remember 2 for 1 is over so I can only get you one.
Botox Betty:What do you mean you can only get me one?
Me: Well after 10pm, 2 for 1 ends. Would you still like to order one?
BB: What time is it?
Me: 10:04pm. So it just ended. I came by when the bartender called last call, but you stated you were fine.
BB: This doesn't make any sense, its only 4 minutes after, why can't I get the 2 for 1?! I've never heard of such a thing!!
Me: Well I can ask the bartender if she'll let it slide, give me a second.
Turn around and ask K-Monster if Botox Betty could have a 2 for 1 after 10
K-Monster: I'm sorry, we can't; it's not allowed.
BB: I don't understand this, whatever, can I just have sweet tea then?

So I go and get her sweet tea, and K-Monster assures me that I did the right thing and F*** that B**** (K-Monster has been on the receiving end of one of her notes). The couple asks for their check soon there after and pays in exact change. I remember while they were getting the exact cents for their check, Botox Betty was looking under the table. I go and offer my assistance, but she just stated that she dropped her shoe and was looking for it. "Oh noo...." (Yeah, I actually don't care). The couple left, and I count all the change to make sure that they at least left the check amount; which they had. Once I cleaned the table off and got all the change in my apron, I noticed that she had left me a note on her receipt. Instead of being angry, I waved the receipt around like a trophy/flag and showed every worker in the store. I have since lost the receipt, but I can give a fairly accurate recitation of the epic note:

"I can not believe the service I received today. This place has really gone down hill since I first came. You don't know anything about customer service, people want to be treated like people, not like a slaughterhouse. I know a lot about customer service and all of my customers get great service. I own the Planet Beach down the street, and our number is 225-xxx-xxxx and you can come in any time and see real customer service"

Why, thank you Botox Betty for sharing your wisdom of customer service with me. I had no idea that people didn't want to be treated like a slaughterhouse!

Bitch.

Well nothing I could do now, I just ate the fact that I didn't receive a tip and finished up the night. Once my last customer left, I made a quick pass around the restaurant, then started my cleaning process. The first thing I always did was wipe and clean off the table tops so I could sweep it up after. Once that was done, I would make sure all of the sugar caddies were full. Once I got the the table where Botox Betty sat, I noticed that her sugar caddy was empty. Odd.

I go to the hostess and blame her for it being empty. We had been playing gags on each other the whole night and thought that this was just one of them. She assures me that she did not do it and was perplexed as to why it was empty as well. I brush it off and finish filling all of my caddies. Next, I had to fill the salt and pepper shakers. Same thing. Super Odd. Once again, I blame the hostess for the gag, but she assures that she did not do it. I jokingly said "wow, this is weird, let me check the ketchup to see if its empty too!!". I picked it up, and it was half full which was common.

I go to the back to get a broom so I can sweep and leave the restaurant, and when I get back to my section, the 45 top walked in. NOOOooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!. I started frantically sweeping and hoping that they would not look to me for help (I'm usually a team player but I wasn't having it that day!). I swept the floor, and got under most of the booths. Then, when I got to table 45 to sweep underneath, I could not believe my eyes. "WHAT. THE. F***!?!?". Looks as if the hostess, in fact, didn't take all those things off my table.

Botox Betty had taken all of the sugar from the caddy, all the salt and pepper from the shakers and put them underneath the table, and squirted half of the ketchup bottle on top of the the pile. Yes, reread that sh*t if you have to because its real; ITS REALLY REAL. Livid. I couldn't even think straight. How are you going to be a 9,002 year old woman and act that way in public? It is not my fault that your sugar daddy had to pay in coins. Not my fault your tan was bad and your botox wore off. I'm sorry that you're slow and can't remember which fish dish you ordered.

It was clear that I didn't need to see this woman again or there was gonna be a world war 3, 4, and 5 up in this bitch. The manager took note of what happened and stated that I did not have to help with the 45 top. I told everyone who is anyone about the situation. I wanted to go to her Planet Beach and pretty much be a belligerent black person and squirt sun tan lotion and oil all over her store. But instead, I just cleaned up the mess and went to Denver the next day.

I never had another run in with Botox Betty, but was told she came in to the store and did it two other times before they banned her from the store. TWO OTHER TIMES. I'm glad I wasn't there because there would be a lawsuit.

Never forget; I'mma get that hoe. ~!Antoine!~

When You Wish Upon A Coaxial Cable

Nearing my re-entrance into adulthood, I couldn't help but remember a time where I was anything but adult-like. I'm a fairly outgoing person, and it usually doesn't take much for me to do something; especially if I believe it is a good idea.

At my freshman orientation, I met and befriended one of my current really good friends; Anise. When move in day happened for our freshman year, it turned out that we lived next door to each other in the dorms. I can remember the first day when she called my new cell phone to find where I was. She was living with her best friend, Stella, who I briefly met at freshman orientation after an incident with a flat tire.

The dorms were separated by a small patio, which proved to be a wonderful meeting place for young impressionable minds. Teaming with smokers, break dancers, and the fans of both, the patio had a very unique and positive dynamic. It is common to human nature to want to form bonds with other humans over even the simplest of things.

Just like the tenants of the patio, there was a group of individuals who made home in the lobby of the west dorm. They called themselves the "Lobby Rats" (no joke). This eclectic bunch bonded over Magic the Gathering, anime, and their love for wearing and making clothes that suggested they were characters within the card game they played so often.

Anise and Stella were smokers, so due to my affiliation with them, I became part of the patio group. The people were diverse and interesting. A good number of them also enjoyed sports, which being at a dominating sports university aided in that revelation.

Although the dorms were separated by the patio, all residents had access to the lobbies of both buildings. In the west dorm, there was a public, free to use, big screen television. It was a floor model, not that it mattered because it worked and it was big and available. This television, however, became the Helen of Troy of our dorm. Because the scheduling for when the television was to be used was very lax (a first come first serve type policy with maybe a 3 hour time constraint), it was hard for everyone to be pleased when they got to use it. The Lobby Rats often used the television to watch anime, and the patio people used it to watch sports games.

One faithful College Football Saturday, the Lobby Rats got up early to monopolize the television and its time; much to the chagrin of the patio people who were looking to watch a full day of football. An argument (just short of a belligerent wrestling match) ensued, causing a bout of tension between the two groups. Now instead of using the television for its intended purposes, the two groups were using it (and its rules/privileges) to annoy the other group. Real mature.

After about two weeks of this madness, I had gotten fed up with the entire process and would've done anything to alleviate this seemingly childish situation. And then...my chance came.

Stella had two younger brothers, and one day the younger of the two came to visit in the dorm. At the time of his visit, Stella's brother was 11. I remember walking into the west lobby and seeing her, her dad, and the little brother and introducing myself. I remember the little brother asking about the big screen TV, and the conversation that ensued:

Little Brother: Look at that big screen, can anybody watch it?
Me: Yeah, but there is this group of anime nerds who fight with the people on the patio over who gets to watch it when.
LB: Really? Why are they fighting?
Me: Who knows, they're just being really stupid really. I wish I could do something to stop it. Just unplug it so no one can watch it.
LB: Ooh! You could take the cable cord out maybe!

Yes, when this 11 year old child stated those glorious and magical words, I leaped into action. Accompanied by him and Stella, I carefully rolled the television to the side to reveal that not only could the cable cord be taking out of the TV, but it could be taken out of the wall in the same manner. Perfect..

After removing the cable cord, Stella and I began to brainstorm what could be done with this cord. We didn't want to take the property of the dorm, but we also didn't want people to have access to it. While debating on locations to hide the cord, the little brother noticed that the screen doors behind where the television sat were open and suggested we hide the cord there. Genius. This kid is two for two. Quick, someone get me materials to make him a cake.

Once again taking the advice of an 11 year old, Stella and I hid the cable cord behind the screen doors. After a good laugh of how this prank would change the dynamic of the groups, we went our separate ways. Stella and I told a few of the patio people about the situation so that they could laugh with us. Calling it a victory for the patio people, they quickly began bringing their own cable cord to the TV when they were ready to watch. After a few days, the Lobby Rats caught wind of the trend and began doing the same thing. The fighting had stopped. It was miraculous. Until the television broke in the process.

One day, the television would not turn to a station, just snow. The fighting had begun again, only this time it was over who broke the TV and who should have to pay for it. The Residential Hall Coordinator and dorm life got involved with the incident, and it became an actual big deal. A lot of name calling and blaming started to happen and the RHC had no idea what to do about it.

Not sure how long after it first happened, but I definitely remember walking to the patio one night to find a couple sitting at one of the tables. I took the initiative to say hi, and I talked with them for a bit. They were hoping to get inside a lobby to use the bathroom, so I let them into the west lobby. After their bathroom break, they came to the couches and saw the big screen TV. They talked about how their dorm didn't have a TV of that size in the lobby. I mentioned the incident and the now broken status of the television. The girl, being inquisitive, wanted to see the back of the TV. We rolled the TV to the side so she could look, and she realized that the coaxial input was loose on the TV. She wanted to take a closer look, and went to her car to get her tools. Not being sexist, but why she had a toolbox in her car and the guy did not and could not even use them was beyond me.

We took off the back panel of the TV, and found the problem of the "broken television". The input had come loose and just needed to be set back on to the board. In hindsight, that job needed some soldering, but since we were college students and knew everything, we worked on it anyway. It was maybe 17 seconds in when we broke the piece completely. Defeated and not caring, we placed the panel back onto the TV and they left. I didn't think twice about it. I mean hey, it was broken already right?

The next day, as I was walking out of the dorm, Stella comes up to me and states "You have to talk to the RHC, the Lobby Rats are blaming Cody for the TV and they're going to get him in a lot of trouble! You have to tell her about the cable cord!" Well this is a great way to start my day. Because I didn't want anyone to get in trouble over my actions, I did as she said. I went to the RHC and told her about the cable cord. My honesty sounded a bit like this:

Me: Well, my friend's 11 year old brother had an idea to just take the cable cord out to get them to stop fighting. I thought it was a good idea, so I did it
RHC: So you took the cord? Where is it?
Me: Oh yeah, we hid it behind the screen door that's behind the TV. Its been there this entire time
RHC: Well because of that, the replacing of the cords each time made the cable input fall in the TV, and now no one can use it.
Me: Yeah...about that, I met these two random people last night and we were looking at the back of the TV and we kind of made that happen.
RHC: What is up with you and listening to people you don't know?

Yeah...good question. The judicial board decided not to blame anyone for the destruction of the TV because not one (but several) person was to blame. However, since I started and ended the cable cord debauchery, I was forced to write an essay on being responsible, take a responsibility class (I don't remember what the essay or the class was about, but they were subject relative), and write a letter of apology to the patio people and the Lobby Rats. I remember asking her who I should address the Lobby Rat letter to, and she stated "The Lobby Rats", so I laughed. At the point, I didn't know they actually called themselves that, so I thought it was funny they she would make me address them in that manner when I thought it was a name insult. Me laughing, got me in trouble of course. Not sorry.

After that semester, they decided to not have the TV in the lobby for everyone to use, so they placed it in the basement where only residents could get access to it. Turned out for the better anyway.

I'd do it all over again and in the exact same manner because I'm a rebel. ~!Antoine!~

The Car Acquisition

Now that I have finally graduated, I can focus on things that were put on the back burner: like sleep, eating, and this blog. This lovely picture of my car was taking right after Parking Services put a boot on it the day before my defense. Could care less that it happened, I had a thesis to finish!

By now you probably know that my entire life is a series of belligerent events that somehow tie themselves together to make a story. This story is a series of belligerent events that led me to the acquisition of this car.

In October 2009, my previous car, The Altima, broke down (alternator, duh). After waiting a month to acquire the funds, I was able to purchase a new alternator and replace it. The car still ran funny, but it ran nonetheless. When Winter break came, I decided to go home for it. The second I got home, the car died. RIP Altima (well sorta, the parental units were able to fix it and allow my brother to drive it). Lucky for me, a friend in which I grew up with was also attending the school in Georgia with me and had come home for the break as well and was able to give me a ride back. That was a great car ride, had a big puppy dog in my lap the entire time and I love that dog.

Three months of riding the bus and using Bradley as my personal chauffeur, I was finally able to acquire funds to purchase a new car. At first I was going to just go cheap like I did with the Altima, but then I decided that I should do some harder digging and find a better car and spend a little bit more on it. So that is what I did.

I was going to Mississippi for Spring break, and was going to purchase my car somewhere in between. I narrowed my search down to 3 cars. Due to some unforeseen events in his lab, Bradley had to leave later than we had planned, and I missed out on two of the cars. At this point I could either research more cars, or be content with the last car. I'm lazy so I decided to be content.

Now this is the part you need to pay attention to. I have attached a map that will help guide you as I tell the tale.


Bradley and his family are from Ocean Springs, MS, (red circle) which is where we went for spring break. He had to go on a research cruise, and I needed to work with a nonprofit located in Biloxi, MS (purple circle). The car I was looking at was located in Hammond, LA (blue star) about 90 miles away.

The first day in Ocean Springs, me, Bradley, and his sister hop into a car and drive to Hammond. We get there and meet with the salesman, and we talk about the car. I was disappointed that the car was an automatic, as I thought it was a 5 speed manual. I suck it up because everything else about the car was right. I decide to purchase the car and we make the sale. The windshield was cracked, so I asked if they would replace it and they said they would, and would deliver the car to Ocean Springs once it was finished. I wrote a check for the amount, and they told me it would be delivered on Thursday. Awesome.

Bradley, his sister, and I are driving back to Ocean Springs, me feeling triumphant on finding a decent car at a great price (got them to knock off $800 on it making it even better). Bradley leaves for his cruise, I work with the nonprofit, and everything is great. Thursday rolls around, and this is where the story really begins to happen.

I call the car lot early Thursday morning to confirm that my car would be delivered to me that day. They inform me that the windshield has yet to be replaced, but they would deliver it anyway and I could bring it back on Friday to get it fixed. I thought that wasn't too bad of an idea, so I asked to do that. Well, unfortunately, my check had yet to go through so they would not give me the car until that happened. So I call the bank and ask how long it would take the check to go through, and they said in about a week. I couldn't wait that long because I was banking on this car for my ride back to Georgia, since Bradley was on a research cruise. Instead of consulting adults, I decided that the best idea was to cancel the check, get the cash, pay for the car that way and drive back to Georgia. Didn't quite happen that way...

I get Bradley's sister's car and go to Baton Rouge (brown circle) and stay with my pseudo little brother for the night. I wake up early in the morning, go to the bank, get the money for the car, then drive to Hammond (which is now only 30 miles away). Once I get to Hammond, I am welcomed by friendly and happy people, ready for me to pay the car off in cash. I go to my salesman and make the transaction in the office, we go outside, and the windshield has yet to be replaced. They assured me that it would be done by 5pm and that I should plan on retrieving the car then. Cool. Unfortunately, I could not wait that long as I needed to return the car I was currently in. So my salesman suggests that he takes a lot car, we drive to Ocean Springs, and I drop the car off then come back. Perfect.

He hops in a black 2008 Pontiac G6 and we drive 90 miles to Ocean Springs. I return the car to the sister, and I hop in the G6. He states that he is hungry and wants to know where we can eat. I name a few places, and mention the casinos have great buffets. He wants to go to a buffet, so we decide to go to a casino. He asks me to drive since I know the area, so I do and we go to the Beau Rivage which is in Biloxi. We eat and have a great conversation, and all is well. We had about 2 hours to kill, and he wanted to check out the poker tables since he was an avid player back in his day (as he told me). Now normally, my Antoine senses would've kicked in at this point, but for some reason I was like "YOLO" and let him go.

We walked over to the table, and he wanted to meet there in about 90 minutes so we could leave. I go off and do homework while he plays because I'm responsible. 90 minutes pass, and I go back to the spot where we're supposed to meet. Not there. Not a big deal I thought, he still has 30 minutes, probably went off somewhere. 30 minutes pass, still not there. Hmmmm...this is kinda awkward. I didn't have his cell phone, so I decided to call the car lot to get it from them. I call them, and they state that his cell phone is off and it would do no good to try and call it. Hmmmmm...I think my Antoine senses are kicking in... I have now officially started to freak out. Here I am, in Biloxi, MS, with a car salesman who has disappeared and who is supposed to take me back to Hammond in the car that I still had the keys to...

I wasn't quite ready to call it quits on the guy, so I waited around a little bit longer, keeping Bradley's mom informed of the entire situation. Of the moms I could've possibly chosen, I chose Bradley's mom seeing as how they are from the area and she wouldn't try to destroy half a state in a rampage for justice like Annette would. When 6pm rolled around, Bradley's mom informed me to call the lot, ask for permission to drive the car back to Hammond, and just leave the guy behind. I do just that, and they tell me to drive back and I would get my car when I got there.

I drive to Hammond, and get there at 8pm. When I returned their car, they stated "where is the money"? You have to be sh*tting me right now.
Me: I gave it to the salesperson, he put it in that filing cabinet there (I point to the filing cabinet)
They search the filing cabinet to no avail
Car Lot: We can't give you this car because we don't have the money. I'm sorry.

I exclaimed to them that the only reason why I showed up earlier today was to physically give them the money. They turn a bit mean suggesting that I was lying and that I was trying to con them out of a car. Seriously?

By this point I'm furious and had no way of getting away from Hammond. I call a great dear friend of my who lives in Hammond and she picks me up. I hang with her until my pseudo little brother can make it to Hammond to get me. In the process of me "hanging out", my phone gets in a fight with the sidewalk, shattering itself. Silly phone. It was broken anyway. Pseudo little bro comes and gets me, we head to Baton Rouge, and I sleep.

The next morning, I have to do something about my phone situation. So I go to Radio Shack and purchase the infamous Purple Blackberry, since it was the last one left. Score. I return to Pseudo little bro's apartment, and set up my phone. I was told to call the lot the next day to see if their salesman reappeared and could rectify this hawt mess of a situation. He had not. They had called his family in search for him, but to no success. I was quite fed up with the situation, and was tired of sitting behind idly while I got screwed. For free. I'm pretty sure I could charge for that.

I call Bradley's mom once again, feeling defeated and angry. She tells me to check out my bill of sale to see if there was anything on it that would work in my favor. It was my mistake for not receiving an updated bill of sale (they said that the first bill would be fine). I read off the information on the sheet of paper to her, and when I said "Payment type: Cash", she said "call the police".

Now if you have followed my blog, you should know that I have issues with the police. This sounded like a terrible idea. What is the police going to do, pull a gun on me and arrest me for weed upon arrival to their precinct? I tell her how reluctant I am to do this, but she assures me that they would be able to help. Feeling hopeful, I decided it was time to call Annette to tell her what has happened in the past week. I wasn't even halfway through the second sentence before she exclaims "NU UH I'M COMING DOWN THERE!" No thank you, I don't need the Incredible Mom Hulk, just giving you some information. I felt that this was my test at adulthood, doing this on my own without my mother holding my hand.

I gather all papers and information, hop in Pseudo little bro's car, and drive over to Hammond. I go to the police precinct, wait outside for an hour, then finally am allowed in. I stay in the precinct for two more hours while they do checks on me and the salesman and validates my story. Finally after 3 total hours I am given the fate of my situation:

Police: Well legally, this car is yours. The gentleman was acting as a salesman of the car lot, so he stole the money from THEM, not YOU.
Me: Awesome
Police: Yeah, and he's also wanted in 5 states.
Back up Officer: 6 states now.
Police: You do have a traffic violation that you need to take care of, but you came out squeaky clean otherwise.
Me: Awesome
Police: (Calls car lot owner and tells him same thing he said to me). You have 12 hours to give up his car or we'll come and take it from you.
Me: Awesome
Police: Okay he says he can do it in the morning, do you have somewhere to stay for the night?
Me: I do...but I need to be guaranteed that I will have the car tomorrow because I can not wait any longer, I have school and work on Monday. (this is Saturday)
Police: Oh don't worry, you'll have it.

So I hop back in the car and drive back to Baton Rouge. I tell Pseudo little bro that he's going to have to take me to Hammond early in the morning and that I would buy his gas and his breakfast for being compliant. We go to Hammond, I meet up with the police, we go to the lot, we receive bacon. And my car. MY car. I could sense the hostility, but could care less about that; I had a 9 hour drive to make and finish a project/presentation for tomorrow's class.

Everything went right; I had a hilarious story to tell about my car, me and my group made a 59 slide powerpoint presentation that the other classmates won't let me live down, and I prevented the southeastern tip of Louisiana from being destroyed by Annette. I ran into other troubles like when the car lot refused to notarize my title, and getting a license plate was a hassle, but totally worth it in the long run.

They never did find the salesman, I'm sure he's been hired by another lot in another state. My theory is that he took my money to gamble with and lost it all and was gonna return once he made the money back. I guess I won't have to concern myself with that any longer.

I lost a shoe in Pseudo little bro's apartment and he never found it :( ~!Antoine!~